BoRev.Net

President Bush cares about the environment or corn subsidies or something, and he proved it yesterday by driving Kris Kristofferson Brazilian President Lula da Silva all over Camp David in this golf cart, which gets 10 miles to the gallon and runs on gasoline. Symbolism!

"Symbolism" was the word of the day, as the New York Times takes pains to point out. The fact that Lula agreed to be seen in public with Bush constitutes a “show of allegiance” with the U.S. and against Hugo Chavez. Who the hell knows what Lula’s multiple trips to Venezuela symbolize. Or the fact that the Brazilian leader publicly dissed Bush three weeks ago at a press conference while the president was standing by his side.

So what about the substance of the trip? Well…As Lula grumbled to the Associated Press just before leaving, "If someone asked me, what are you taking back to Brazil, I would say, 'Nothing, I'm not taking back anything to Brazil.”

So Bush crapped out again in the hearts and minds department, but I’m sure he’ll have better luck next week with the dancing teeth.

It’s Holy Week! Down Venezuela way that means a Bacchanal vomit-spewed street orgy in honor of the man-god who did away once and for all with debaucherous pagan rites of spring. Point, monotheism!

But in recent years, these little gatherings have gotten slightly out of hand. As the Associated Press notes, the country averages a hundred alcohol-related deaths and “thousands of injuries” each year in the name of the Risen Christ. This year, the government has stepped in and prohibited alcohol sales over the weekend.

But this is Venezuela, so the international press is obligated to portray every government move as evidence of Chavez’s power-mad grip over public life, and they don’t disappoint. Follow us into the rumor mill, after the jump.

I’ve already posted a possibly-blasphemous picture of Jesus today, so I might as well go all the way here. Be sure to check out Nikolas Kozloff’s piece on the role of the Catholic hierarchy in Venezuela. It’s thorough, in-depth, and quite balanced. But don’t worry, I selected out some of the craziest shit. Join me on the path to hell, after the jump.

Well, gee. “Venezuelan consumer prices had their biggest monthly decline since at least 1990 in March,” says Bloomberg. The drop, of course, was in response to those inflation-cutting programs initiated by the government that I, and, in far more depth, Oil Wars, were flapping our arms about all month while Bloomberg and the New York Times’ editorial page were wasting column inches ridiculing one tiny cosmetic aspect of the plan, and pretending that it was the plan. Of course, according to Bloomberg, this good news was “unexpected.” Ahem.

The awesome part is that the Times now can write to write a whole new editorial praising the inflationary trends they were so preoccupied with two weeks ago. If you need anything from me, I’ll be over here holding my breath.

When the Bush Administration gets worked up over “democracy” in Latin America, what they mean is “loyalty.” But human rights groups are starting to call them on their crap. Today, Human Rights Watch took an unprecedented step:

"Human Rights Watch, which normally takes no position on free trade per se, opposes any free trade accord with Colombia because of its egregious record on human rights."

After annoying Catholics during Holy Week, today we turn to a crazy story in the Jewish Journal during the middle of Passover. Apparently, we’re equal opportunity irritants.

Actually, the Venezuelan Jewish leaders quoted in the story all seem pretty darn thoughtful—they may not be Chavez voters, but life is good, business is booming, and as Rabbi Pynchas Brener puts it, "If you're not involved in politics, you don't really feel the regime." Lucky you, rabbi. Wish we could say the same in the States!

But if the locals aren’t interested in labeling Chavez as anti-Semitic, the reporter sure as hell wants to go there. He inexplicably claims that a quote by Argentina’s first lady opposing anti-Semitism “seemed to be a swipe at Chavez” (huh?), and takes pains to link a private newspaper, which ran an anti-Semitic opinion piece, to the government.

But the lamest thing this story does is to dredge up a long-debunked misquote from a Chavez speech two years ago. At the time, an international organization jumped on it as “evidence” of Chavez’s anti-Semitism, but it turns out that they’d personally edited the quote to make it look like Chavez was talking about Jews when he wasn’t. The whole ugly incident prompted Venezuelan Jewish leaders to write a torked-off letter to the Simon Wiesenthal Center, telling them to butt out of “issues that you don't know or understand.”

Another queer-in-the-old-fashioned-sense-of-the-word thing about this story: Everyone quoted was willing to go on the record, except for one fellow who lavishly praised Venezuelan life in the Chavez era. Dude requested anonymity.

How bad is Venezuela’s state oil company for foreign investors? Bad bad, says USA Today. Really truly horribly communistically confidence-shatteringly horrible. With one caveat:

“Venezuela's tough new terms are better than those offered by other oil-producing countries with closer political ties to the U.S. After all, Venezuela will continue to permit private companies an ownership stake in exploration and production projects — something prohibited by Mexico and Saudi Arabia.”

Oh joy. Today we get another “Special to the Miami Herald” piece by Phil Gunson. For those familiar with Gunson, you know that “special” doesn’t even begin to describe his work. If the Herald is the short bus of journalistic integrity, Gunson is the special-est kid ever in the back row.

Anyway, today’s special article is about how Chavez is a big ol’ flip flopping reactionary hypocrite. You see, he used to be for ethanol and now he’s against it. And he’s only against it because Bush is for it. Stupid fatty commie!

You can practically see our reporter friend rocking back and forth with glee as he opens his story, “Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez was on the ethanol bandwagon. Until, that is, President Bush jumped aboard. Now, it seems, ethanol is a threat to the poor.” Zing! Snap! You tell him, Gunsy! Don’t wet yourself, now.

Ha ha kidding! Gunson wouldn’t actually pee his pants. He's just full of shit. Venezuela’s ethanol policy hasn’t changed. Remember that famous February phone call from Castro to Chavez that was broadcast all over the world? The one that happened before Bush even announced his plans to visit Latin America? Guess what they talked about.

A full month before that, Chavez had a press conference where he laid out the administration’s position. In a nutshell, the Venezuelans weren’t/aren’t anti-ethanol, but they are/were opposed to the mass production of food crops for fuel, particularly corn, and particularly in a region where hunger is still a big problem. It takes a very special mind to not get the difference.

UPDATE: A reader informs me that PDVSA laid out their plan for ethanol back in 2005, when the country (finally) banned the use of leaded gasoline. Then, as now, it was intended as an additive to, not a substitute for, gasoline. If you read Spanish, the press release is available here. Now isn’t that special?

Check it out! The Bush Administration is “helping” again. Although in Latin America, their goals seem mercifully less ambitious than in other parts of the world. So we’re not talking wiping out entire civilizations or flooding music capitols or even eliminating jury trials. Nope, it’s back to basics in the hemisphere. Mostly election rigging and shooting poor people and stuff. The fundamentals.

Anywho, they’ve wrapped up their little plans in rainbows and unicorns, and posted it on their spiffy new website. Here’s the quick run-down:

>>> While the State Department is generally happy with the “strong voter turnout” in Latin American elections last year, they weren’t as impressed with actual vote outcomes. To that end, they’ll be “helping nations conduct democratic elections” more in the year ahead.

>>> One nation is noted as an example of how a controversial election could be handled: Mexico, natch. Although Haiti is also singled out for praise.

>>> The best news in the Hemisphere comes, of course, from Colombia, where the government “succeeded in demobilizing almost all members of right-wing paramilitary groups.” By giving them cabinet appointments or something.

>>> Sure, there are still “challenges” with regard to Venezuela and Cuba. But don’t worry, there’s plenty of U.S. money on the way for “independent civil society leaders and democracy advocates.”

Ok, so maybe they will be wiping out entire civilizations.

How’s this for a loaded question?

“Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez was recently granted authority to legislate by decree for 18 months, and he is seeking an amendment to the constitution to allow a president to be elected for a lifetime. Given his fierce rhetoric and Venezuela's oil wealth, does Chavez pose a threat to regional stability and how should his critics, including the Bush administration, respond?”

But answer they do, and most have the sense to respond with some variation of “what a stupid question.” It’s three academics, one journalist, one economist, a conservative think-tanker, and a gadfly! Fun for everyone.

In case you thought that the Miami Cuban community was monolithic-ly wacky, the South Florida Sun Sentinel reports today on a major opinion split over the case of Luis Posada Carriles, Latin America’s most notorious terrorist.

One side (the “funny crazy” camp) is pleased over this week’s US court decision allowing Posada, who blows up airplanes, to be released on bail. Another faction (the “scary crazy” camp) won’t be satisfied until he receives a full pardon from the U.S. government. No word yet on the “Marisleysis crazy” cabal, who are no doubt stockpiling weapons to force his beatification and the immediate issuance of a Nobel Peace Prize.

You can’t fault the federal courts for their comic/macabre sense of inappropriate timing, though. This week’s decision came as Cubans were commemorating the 10th anniversary of Posada’s bombing of Havana tourist hotels, which is only slightly less retarded than the last decision to free him from a Texas prison, which came on the 5th anniversary of September 11th. Sigh.

BoRev Bonus: Wikipedia brings us this fun fact: By 1974, "the CIA had begun to believe that Posada was involved in cocaine trafficking, but did not break formal ties until February 13, 1976. The agency also believed that Posada was involved in a plot to assassinate Henry Kissinger, who at that time was advocating a more cooperative approach to Cuba-United States relations."

For the last few years, the U.S. Government has been mystified by Venezuela’s cynical attempt to buy off the hearts and minds of its countrymen and neighbors through a calculated little scheme called “government.” To be sure, it’s a bewildering plan. Provide basic services, don’t destroy your major cities, expand your economy, and those stupid voters are putty in your hands.

But look out world. The Bushies are getting into the act. I mean, not here in the States or anything, but they’re totally going to win the hearts of Panamanians with a new humanitarian medical aid package. We’re not going to do it commie style, though, and the LA Times’ Chris Kraul in on hand to explain the differences between the scheming Venezuelan way and the patriotic American way.

>>> First of all, the motivations are totally different. While Chavez “has sent more than 50,000 Cuban doctors fanning out across barrios in several South American nations to convince rural and urban poor of the virtues of socialism,” the U.S. plan is simply “medical diplomacy” concerned only with meeting the real needs of the long neglected Panamanian underclass.

>>> Venezuelan clinics are inefficient “permanent” structures with doctors who live, work, and fraternize with the lowlifes they serve, while the U.S. follows the patented Barnum and Bailey model. In and out, lickety split. It builds a certain mystique. As one grateful mother wistfully put it, “I hope they come again.” I’ll bet you do, Juanita! But that would be a handout, wouldn’t it? Now shut the fuck up and get back to work.

>>> While Venezuela uses old-school full-time medical professionals, the U.S. gets double the value by using a “350-strong U.S. military task force,” which allows us to help while simultaneously building up our military presence in foreign lands.

>>> While Chavez just started his little health programs a few years back, the U.S. has been doing this like forever. It’s just that the Panamanians didn’t know it. As the U.S. Ambassador noted, “In the past we haven't been as aggressive in letting Panamanians know what we're doing.”

The Miami Herald reports that the U.S. spy desk for Venezuela and Cuba has been unmanned for several months, which is why we haven’t been reading any “Chavez is Secretly Dead” headlines. Apparently, America is the only country in the world that runs counter-intelligence against itself.

Remember the Sinclair Broadcasting Group? That creepy right-wing conglomerate that has way too much say over what TV shows you can watch? These were the guys that banned a Nightline program critical of the Iraq War and forced its affiliates to run a bogus documentary on John Kerry during the 2004 campaign.

Well they just won a big-time “Telly” award for a news piece “urg[ing] Navy officials to find a way to terminate the contract” with Citgo on account of Venezuela being pinko.

Never heard of a Telly award? Neither has anyone else! But a brief entry on Wikipedia notes that you could probably win one too. All you have to do is pay an entry fee. Prizes are based on no stated criteria by anonymous judges, and there can be multiple winners in every category. There’s no awards ceremony, but once you “win,” you can buy the prize of your choice. An “unframed award certificate” is only thirty bucks, while a trophy goes for One-seventy-five.

Sinclair won a total of four of these awards this year so far, even though the submission deadline doesn’t end until April 20th, so they may still win some more. Congratulations Sinclair! You really are winners. In the way that that every kid in a commune relay race is a winner.

Yo Venezuela. After you finish driving the last stake into the heart of the IMF, can you start working on the World Bank, please?

As it turns out, proceeds from third world debt are mostly being diverted to pay off Bank president Paul Wolfowitz’s high-priced mistress, who quit working there two years ago, yet stayed on the payroll and “received $61,000 in raises since she left.” For those keeping score, you remember Wolfowitz as the deranged Neocon comb-slimer who mapped out our brilliant Iraq War strategy. The Bank attracts quality.

Update: As always, Wonkette has better headlines than we do.

As the South Florida Sun Sentinel reports, black people in Florida tend to have sensible views on Venezuela, which is probably why Jeb and Kitty don’t let them vote.

Happy Coup Anniversary Week Everyone! Five years ago tomorrow, the Venezuelan elites kidnapped President Chavez and installed a two-day dictatorship. To commemorate, fugitive coup-plotter and Bush Administration fundee Carlos Ortega emerged from his cave outside Miamistan yesterday, releasing this video message on Al Jazeera Globovision urging his followers to wage a global jihad against the democratically elected leader. “We do not ask for, nor do we offer, a truce," he vows, before muttering something about 72 virgins with fake boobs and gruesomely decapitating his own political relevance. Not for sensitive viewers!

Wow. Just...wow. Some American University undergrad was interning with the State Department this summer and traveled with Condi’s security detail to Uruguay in our effort “to convince them that we're cooler than Chavez.” She has published her photos on the internets, under the code name "FudgyPumpkin," along with thoughtful commentary (“free Spring Break!”). We learn:

>>> Our president required a 1,200-person entourage for the Montevideo leg alone. “It must have been terrible for the residents who couldn't get anywhere, no wonder they hate us.”

>>> Condi’s crack bomb squad just pokes things to see if they’ll explode.

>>> The prez saw some of the anti-Bush graffiti.

>>> Uruguay is cheap for gringettes. “It cost about 20 bucks for a whole night of drinking, dessert and gourmet steak.”

>>> Bush ate in a café, prompting “people screaming gently caress BUSH from their balconies.” (Yeah I didn’t get that one, either).

>>> Laura wore "a horrible pink suit."

UPDATE: As we suspected, FudgyPumpkin took her posting down one hour after we posted. But BoRev's still got the goods. Click below...

UPDATE 2: Apparently "gently caress" is a nerdy euphemism for "fuck" for internet geeks who are afraid to type "fuck." So the Uruguayans were yelling "Fuck Bush" at our president. Go Uruguay!

UPDATE 3: And now the posting is back. With more. This is making my head hurt.

Apparently machismo is giving way to metrosexuality. The Miami Herald has the scoop on botoxed Bolivarian beefcake.

Not to get all heavy on you, but this is a pretty deep anniversary. Five years ago today, rogue Venezuelan military officers kidnapped President Hugo Chavez, instated a dictator, and dissolved the country’s legislative and judicial branches. This all happened with the financing and training of the U.S. government, the support of corrupt union officials and, of course, the active role of the Venezuelan press. For days leading up to April 11, Venezuelan media owners helped plan the coup as on-air personalities who knew of the impending violence encouraged Venezuelans to take to the streets. When word began to get out on what had transpired, hundreds of thousands of Venezuelans stormed the palace to demand the return of their democratically-elected leader, but by then the media outlets had enacted a total news blackout. This was perhaps the first media-driven coup d’etat in the history of the world, and international press has not taken it lightly.

To commemorate this dark, shameful day in the history of journalism, the U.S. press has taken an unprecedented step. Eschewing the traditional remembrances on this solemn anniversary, they decided that a reenactment of the April 11 tragedy would make a more meaningful impact. To that end, not one major U.S. media outlet reported the coup anniversary at all today, save this little blurb syndicated in the Associated Press’ “This Day in History” section:

“Five years ago: Venezuelan police battled protesters demanding President Hugo Chavez's ouster.”

Normally, we respect Democracy Now, but today they totally effed-up the whole “solidarity through media blackout” thing with an insightful five-years-later reflection on the coup. But its radio so I guess it doesn’t really count.

If you're feeling scabby, you can read the transcript or download video or audio here.

The entire documentary is here. Sometime between now and April 13th, recharge your democracy hugging batteries.

Now, I totally support the Solidarity Press Blackout and everything, but I’m beginning to wonder if they’re maybe not taking it a little far. Day II of the 5th anniversary of the coup, and still no mention of it except for, once again, a beautifully fabricated blurb on the AP wires saying that Chavez resigned because his military leaders couldn’t get along or something:

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez resigned under pressure from the country's divided military. (However, he was returned to office two days later.)

Looking for a glamorous new job in an exotic land working for a bigshot international newspaper? It may be easier than you think! Seriously.

As the New York Times’ Simon Romero shows us, all it takes is a good grasp of conventional wisdom, access to the wire services, and a short rolodex of contacts for a couple of pithy new quotes. Oh and a blender! Fruity rum drinks are a must in the tropics.

Once in a while you may want to mix it up with an original story on your favorite local vacation spot, peculiar wildlife or cheesy local gossip, but really, you don’t need to get too crazy.

A quick look at Romero’s Venezuela stories over the last few months shows that roughly 80% of them came from sources other than…his own noggin.

Join us in Margaritaville, after the jump. We’ll even bring along the laz-o-meter to rank each story.

Blame it on the corrosive influence of teevee or USA Today, but now even pencil-necked readers of The Economist are demanding those fancy little number-pictures to go along with their pompous prose.

There was nothing wrong with the text of this story. It got in a lot of zingers against Chavez and price controls and the oppressive nature of state regulation. But then some new guy in the graphics department put together the following “chart” which totally contradicted the point they were making.

Like a drunken heckler in a comedy club, it screams out in a belligerent rage:

“Hey Moron! Looks like Venezuela’s prices have always been higher than the Latin American average. Maybe that’s because it’s an oil state!” and:

“Yo dickwad! Wasn’t Chavez elected in 1998? Doesn’t it look like inflation was double then what it is now?” and:

“Doesn’t that stinking spike in the middle come at the same time that the US pushed the oil executives to sabotage their own goddamned economy?” and:

“Those price controls that you’re all freaked out about? Don’t they freaking coincide with that gigantic drop in inflation in ‘03?” and:

“So all those fucking press stories about out-of-control inflation are about that little fucking uptick at the end? And it's based on your fucking "forecast?" That’s what we’re fucking talking about?! You gotta be fucking kidding me!”

>>> Phlegm-haired neocon learns valuable lesson about bilking developing nations to pay off girlfriend when we all know third world debt is earmarked for Halliburton anti-corruption campaigns.

>>> Would-be Venezuela nemesis/millionaire himbo to make honest woman out of longtime mistress.

>>> Veno-British not-millionaire himbo thinks Chavez has gone too far this time I tell you by joining liberal “global warming cult.”

>>> Freelance journalist mocks Venezuela’s nouveau riche with old-money Caracas auntie.

>>> Miami Herald “reporter” moonlights as anti-Chavez pundit; world unshocked.

As everyone knows, the Washington Times was founded by crazy people “to fulfill the Will of God, who seeks to establish America in His Providence.” But sometimes the Will of God is a little too subtle for boneheaded readers, and thus Times editors are forced to smack some Providence upside their heads.

Apparently, Our Heavenly Father is particularly concerned that Americans are not aware that Citgo is owned by Venezuela’s state oil company, and that Coca Cola is flavored with real coca leaves. So in an odd little confessional today, Times Foreign Editor David W. Jones explains how he forces his correspondents to spike their stories with these two little info-nuggets.

Awesomely, this practice of push-journalism is called “pegging”—it’s an “industry” term, he says. Ha ha! We encourage Mr. Jones to look up the word “pegging” and explain to readers exactly which “industry” he’s working for.

If I were Rafael Correa, I don’t know how I’d get any work done. I’d spend all day staring at my enormous “approval ratings.”

Anyway, Latin America’s sexiest president just won a ginormous victory. Gallup is reporting that national referendum to rewrite the Ecuadorian constitution passed by a whopping seventy-eight percent.

Congraultations, Raf! Now go work on that tan, dude. Oh and Chavez's statment? "We all have to get behind...Correa."

I just report it.

Presidents from twelve Latin American nations will be meeting in Venezuela today to discuss energy security. The summit will include Bush Administration allies like Colombia’s Alvaro Uribe as well as moderates like Chile’s Michelle Bachelet, putting aside political differences to develop a regional energy plan that is both sustainable and sensible. Or, as Reuters puts it:

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez will seek to use oil wealth to consolidate regional support for his anti-U.S. politics as he hosts an energy summit of South American leaders on Monday.

Goodbyyyye.

In case you missed it, Hugo Chavez commemorated the coup anniversary last week by paying Venezuela’s last debt payment to the World Bank. Then yesterday, President Hunky McHotsalot did the same for Ecuador’s IMF loans.

I know what you're thinking. Now how is Wolfowitz going teach the Latin Americans to fight corruption?

Brian Ellsworth is on a roll today! His follow up story to this morning’s crapfest invents a fake catfight between Venezuela and Brazil. Titled “Chavez, Lula Clash Over Ethanol at Energy Summit,” the article highlights a comment that Lula made on a radio show that ethanol can be viable. You have to read down to find out that the comment wasn’t made at the energy summit, and it um…wasn’t a clash.

Don’t panic. It’s for local reporting.

The Miami Herald also employs legitimate journalists, apparently. It’s only the Latin America staff that also works for the Bush Administration.

Of course it’s from Reuters. But this time, it’s on.

Today Justin Delacour reminisces on the five-year, ridiculously shoddy career of Andy Webb-Vidal, the Financial Times’ correspondent to the Caracas country club. Some people never meet a poor person they respect, but according to Delacour’s analysis of over one hundred articles, Webb-Vidal apparently never met a poor person at all.

Webb-Vidal is now officially off the Venezuela beat. Here’s hoping the new guy ventures out of the pampered green zone of the Caracas glitterati. There may even be a story or two out there.

The IMF is pathetic, but in such a hilarious way! As you know, the ultimate predatory lender is virtually dead in Latin America because of …well because of Venezuela.

They’re freaked, and they’re lashing out. In their latest World Economic Outlook report, they "predict" that Venezuela will have the worst economic growth in all of Latin America this year. That’s nice, considering the country had the highest growth in the region for the last three years. Three thoughts here:

1. These people lie for a living, but usually they make an attempt at plausibility.
2. At least Venezuela will still be around by end of the year.
3. They are hyping Panama as the next big investment hub. Honestly, if you have any Panamanian investments/holdings/family members, get them out now. This is the kiss of death.

Oh! In other Panamanian news: this.

BTW: The IMF has never even been close on their Venezuela forecast, as CEPR points out. (PDF)

Y'all remember last week’s ho scandal? I’m talking about the stringy-haired one where the jackass didn’t get fired. Well it turns out that there’s a Venezuela connection!

Stay with me here. This all goes back a few years, to the Venezuelan oil “strike,” where industry execs locked their workers out for three months, shut down production and tanked Venezuela’s economy to try to force Chavez’ resignation. When the rebel leaders all got fired, they sabotaged the industry by remotely deleting databases, erasing operating software, and changing all the company passwords so that the new guys couldn’t get things going again.

This was all able to happen only because all the entire software apparatus had been outsourced to a U.S. company, one Science Applications International Corporation. Their Venezuelan staff participated in the strike and organized the sabotage. Creepily, the company’s top execs and board members are pretty much a bunch of former U.S. intelligence officials.

Anyway, back to Wolfowitz’s gal pal. This morning, the New York Times ran a little gotcha piece explaining that this latest scandal wasn’t the first time Wolfie had picked up the phone and got a plumb job for Shaha Riza. Back in 2003, the year of the strike, this happened:

The contractor, Science Applications International Corporation, or SAIC, said that it had been directed to hire Ms. Riza by the office of the under secretary for policy. The head of that office at the time was Douglas J. Feith, who reported to Mr. Wolfowitz.

UPI has the story.

Economist Mark Weisbrot debated some “Republican strategist” named Jack Burkman on CNBC tonight. The topic? Oil. Burkman advocated isolating Venezuela “like Cuba” and other schemes “to get what we want" in the Hemisphere. Watch the action!

Weisbrot, who is sane, is well known in the Venezuela debate. I’d never heard of Mr. Crazypants before, but a quick internet search shows that Burkman is a “former Fox News political analyst,” an Ann Coulter groupie, and a guy who thinks gay marriage is “five times as important as the war on terror and the war in Iraq combined.”

Oh but he does make some exceptions for much younger lesbian couples. Those he offers a nice hotel room and “a thousand dollars if two of us would fuck him.”

God I love the Internet.

>>> British journalists are as sick of the Chavez bashing as you are.

>>> Mexicans are more uptight about running around naked than Venezuelans, Argentines, even Chileans. With video!

>>> Venezuelan Communists are angry or confused or happy or something. It’s in El Universal’s “English” edition so who the hell knows.

>>> Wall Street Journal blog tries to keep fake “ethanol rift” story afloat.

>>> Ecuador’s cutie-pie President says the World Bank tried to blackmail him.

>>> Puerto Rico’s top TV psychic predicts the imminent death of Chavez (in Spanish).

Or at least Venezuelan cocoa. In an important, timely and hard-hitting Op-Ed today, Cybele May details the feds’ latest attack on Venezuela: an attempt to redefine any old piece of brown wax as “chocolate.”

Will they stop at nothing?

One bored generous reader has graciously translated yesterday’s Spanish-only link about the Puerto Rican Tele-Psychic who is predicting Chavez’s imminent death from “an unseen malignance and a terrible illness that will cause a horrible death.” You can read it after the jump.

Umm…thanks?

Yeah, that’s Mr. Mercado’s picture above. And yeah, he’s a dude. And yeah, he must have magical powers because he looks just like Samantha’s mom in Bewitched.

Now, here at BoRev we love all our readers equally. But seriously, some of you need to get a job or something. From the mailbag:

Man you are so off the mark about that freaky psychic. He does NOT look like Endora and he does NOT have psychic powers. In fact he looks EXACTLY like an aging Lucile Ball, which only proves that his lies are part of a conspiracy by the powerful Arnaz faction of the Miami Cuban community.

So last week our man in Caracas, William Brownfield, openly mocked the idea that the U.S. was plotting anything nefarious in the Bolivarian Republic. The present situation, apparently, is super-duper different than Chile in ’73. Or Nicaragua, for that matter. Or El Salvador, Guatemala, Bolivia, Grenada, Panama or Haiti. Chavez, it seems, is just a dipshit dictatorial dingbat demagogue for even thinking it.

I mean I was totally convinced by Brownfield’s sincerity. What red-blooded American wouldn’t be? Well, Chris Carlson is skeptical, and thinks Venezuela might actually have some legitimate cause for concern.

Carlson notes that the former head of Venezuela’s National Guard was caught this month plotting an assassination attempt against Chavez. His phone conversations were recorded and broadcast all over the Venezuelan media. It also turns out that this dude is a longtime CIA “asset.” He’s been on 60 Minutes and everything! In the 80’s he was the CIA’s “most trusted” contact in Venezuela. And in the 90s he was granted immunity for smuggling drugs into the U.S.

As unpatriotic as it sounds, I sometimes wonder if the Bush administration is not leveling with us all the time.

>>> War on terror is over; we lost; mojitos served

>>> Miami Herald columnist prays for economic collapse in Latin America to teach lazy beaners a lesson.

>>> Venezuelans probably drive on the left-hand side of the road, because they are leftists! Get it?

>>> Chevron’s glass is half full of Orinoco crude.

>>> Venezuela is world’s # 2 country for investment; stupid Peruvians beat them out of top spot.

>> Fake-ass ethanol rift contagious; spreads throughout hemisphere

Was it really three whole years ago that the Venezuelan opposition ripped apart the very fabric of their society through a divisive and ridiculously half-assed effort to recall President Chavez and drive themselves into powerless obscurity? My, time flies.

But ’04 nostalgia seems to have gripped the country (club), and those scrappy little schlemiels are giving it one more shot. They can’t actually go after the big guy until his term is halfway up, though, so this year they are focusing on “28 governors, mayors and congressmen.” Twenty-eight. It’s enough to make you guarimba in your pants!

To be fair, only 26 of those 28 are pro-Chavez officials. For the first time, chavistas have launched two recall attempts of their own. Of course, to be shamelessly unfair, the Associated Press will only report on those two campaigns and ignore the others.

See, it’s feeling like 2004 again already!

Because “dogmatic” neocon Deputy Editor, Jackson Diehl doesn’t allow anyone else to get a word in edgewise. And because Senior Editor Fred Hiatt makes the black guy on the board stick to…uh…“urban contemporary” issues. That's why.

>>> LA Times Ed board grows a pair.

>>> Miami Herald waxes poetic on terrorist Posada: “barely the ghost of the warrior of lore” blah blah blah.

>>> Craptastic reporting on Venezuela getting in the way of investors’ ability to make money.

>>> Senator says Colombian death squads trained at President Uribe’s house.

>>> Even the American Spectator wants Wolfowitz’s scalp.

Moises Naim clearly wears boxers, not briefs. There is not a pair of jockey shorts on earth spacious enough to house his county-fair prize winning balls.

Yesterday in the Washington Post, Naim railed against “gongos,” a hip word for development squares meaning “Government Operated Nongovernmental Organizations,” or groups designed to look like non-profits but actually funded by governments. Naim, who was a Venezuelan government official in the pre-Chavez days, explains that gongos are a really serious problem in the developing world, especially when they “act as a thuggish arm of repressive governments.”

Ha ha! Cute. Today Naim sits at on the board of the National Endowment for Democracy, the U.S.-funded king of all gongos that brought America such memorable embarrassments as “the Iran-Contra scandal” “Manuel Noriega” and, of course, “the Venezuelan coup.” As one NED founder put it in 1991, “A lot of what we do today was done covertly 25 years ago by the CIA.”

This is how he explains that NED is a “good” gongo:

For the sake of full disclosure, it's important to note that I serve on the NED board of directors. I, therefore, disagree that its activities are criminal, immoral or a tool of the White House.

Sure, the Senate may be cutting off funding to Colombia, and wet blankets like Al Gore may be publicly shunning narco-Prez Alvaro Uribe, but the Washington elite has firmly embraced death squad chic. Saturday night, two hundred of Washington’s leading lights and their Hollywood hangers-on partied like it was 1987 at the home of Ambassador Carolina Barco as the Colombian government and Capitol File magazine hosted an invitation-only after party to the White House Correspondent’s Association dinner.

Sadly, we weren’t on the guest list and can only fantasize about the Escobar-rific spectacle of the Washington press corps hobnobbing with Hollywood stars, Bush administration officials and real live terrorists amidst Scarface-portioned mountains of duty-free cocaine.

Thank God money can’t buy influence, or else we would start to worry about a conflict of interest or something.

>>> Ven Ambassador fights “Selective Justice” in the NYT; Boston Globe explains that you don’t have to actually be Arab to be a terrorist.

>>> Hoochie coup-chie queen Maria Conchita Alonso to be in D.C. May 1-2 to give voice to silent plight of Venezuelan millionaires with terrorist brothers.

>>> Who’s into Death Squad Chic? Supermodel Petra Nemcova, teeny bopper Zac Efron, Ray Charles’ screen wife threw down Cali style Saturday night.

>>> Think tanks agree: Bush Administration permanently damaged U.S.-Venezuelan relationships; solution? “Think outside the box.” Wait, that’s not actually a solution….

>>> Righteous and hot, Rafael Correa has highest approval ratings in Ecuadorian history.

A reader writes:

You r so concerned with “balance” in the media but yur site has no balance at all. You are obviously a liberal you should be in bed with Cindy Sheehan!

>>> Alek Boyd is mad that the BBC is only 80% anti-Chavez these days and challenges them to eliminate contradictory opinions in the name of “tilting toward balance.”

>>> Diplodemocracia posts a photo of a tiny Hugo Chavez dry humping a giant Fidel Castro, although it’s possible that the picture was altered in some way.

>>> Somebody named “Citizen Feathers” explains that Chavez is some sort of voodoo vampire and keeps “a tiger (or a lion) killed in the basement of Miraflores, for a ritual where he bathe with the warm blood of the animal.”

Whew. Readers satisfied. Virginity preserved. We aim to please everyone here at BoRev, just not to please everyone.

Alvaro Vargas Llosa is what passes for Latin American “intelligencia” in the U.S. press these days. Outfits like the Miami Herald like to print his work because it doesn’t challenge their worldview with nonsense like “class warfare,” “America-bashing” or “critical thinking.” For those unfamiliar, his charming shtick is to call Latin Americans who disagree with him “idiots,” and psychoanalyze how they could be so stupid (Hint: it’s mostly because they’re poor, bitter, and educated at state schools).

You’ll be thrilled to hear that he’s got an article in Moises Naim’s rag, Foreign Policy, this month, where he gets to trot out this tired parlor game to discuss Hugo Chavez and Evo Morales. Guess what it’s called? “The Return of the Idiots.” Guess what it says? Their supporters are “deeply resentful of the frivolous lives of the wealthy displayed in the glossy magazines they discreetly leaf through on street corners.” This is an awfully convenient argument, considering that dude is the son of Mario Vargas Llosa, one of Peru’s most talented and famous literary lights, and the younger Vargas Llosa has spent his entire life smarting from the sting of that resentment while building a career trading on his father’s name.

Mercifully, if you don’t have a subscription to Foreign Policy, you can only read the first couple of paragraphs. And if you do, it’s never to late to cancel.

Jesus, how did we miss this? Fucking Sanjaya was part of Colombia’s “let’s pretend we’re not a bunch of terrorist war criminals” shindig Saturday night. I’d like to think he was throwing down his mad Spanish skills and working to get into some camo-wearing security agent’s paramilitary pantalones. But then we read that world-renowned cock-block Isaiah Washington was there too, so probably not.

Oh wait! I know how I missed this important national security story: The Politico doesn’t know how to spell the word “Colombia.”

Update: The Politico made the change on their site. Not by issuing a correction or anything. They just...changed it. It used to read "Columbia"

Recently, quietly, some dipshit in the U.S. House of Representatives introduced a bill “calling on the Government of Venezuela to respect a free and independent media and to avoid all acts of censorship against the media and free expression.” Sounds fair, and if there’s ever any censorship of the Venezuelan press it might actually be relevant.

As El Universal shows us today (and every other day), Venezuelan newspapers have fewer filters than a stroke victim. Check out this Op-ed, which opens thusly:

Americans believe that the most dangerous enemy they face today is Osama bin Laden. But they are wrong. Based upon the cold logic of weapons capability and the intention to use them, the most dangerous enemy America faces today is Hugo Chavez of Venezuela.

So thanks, Congressman Weller and all those Republican co-sponsors! America is proud that you’re spending your time on crap like this. Maybe now you can direct your attention to, say, Costa Rica, which jails dissident journalists, or Colombia and Mexico which shoot them. Or here’s a novel concept, maybe you can draft up a resolution in support of American journalists who are being detained and imprisoned for the first time in U.S. history.

I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to despise both sides equally in the ongoing World Bank melodrama. Sure, Wolfie is one twisted bastard. As the New York Times notes today, he wasn’t just using his position to funnel third-world debt payments to his cronies and his luvva, he was also:

>>> “Trying to impose Bush administration ideas on family planning and climate change” in poor counties;

>>> Using “anti-corruption” campaigns as a platform to undermine governments that worked against U.S. interests, and

>>> Unilaterally freezing payments to ongoing Bank Projects based on his private whims.

So the Miami Herald ed board is all jacked up on the Paxil again! Which is great! Because it makes them super-positive!!

Not being sufficiently medicated myself, I’d never looked at the Posada Carriles case in quite this way before, but I think they may have convinced me with the sheer force of their enthusiasm alone. I’m still working out the logic bit, but it goes something like: Our great justice system is the best in the world because it lets cold-blooded murderers walk free! No wait. That would be retarded. They must mean: Not charging terrorists with a crime reaffirms our faith in the system! No, no. Stay with me. I think it’s: America is at our Constitutional best when we violate extradition treaties!

Well, whatever their point, there’s no arguing (literally) with sentences like this:

Now, after paying $350,000 bond, Mr. Posada wears an ankle bracelet and is under 24-hour house arrest in Kendall, a far cry from the four decades he spent trying to topple Fidel Castro and working as an intelligence operative.

So yesterday, four oil companies agreed to enter into public-private partnerships with the Venezuelan government, and today, the headline writers are earning their pay.

Some quickie background: The Venezuelan oil industry was nationalized in 1976, and the requirement for these joint partnerships was signed into law in 1990—eight years before the Chavez presidency. The only holdouts were projects in the Orinoco belt where politicians had come up with an ingenious scheme to help out their buddies in the oil biz. They declared that the heavy Orinoco crude wasn’t oil it all—it was coal. Problem solved!

Anyway, the headlines that came out yesterday afternoon—“Oil companies, Venezuela sign agreements” ran the AP title—were accurate, but apparently too ho-hum for scrappy editors. They sent their minions back to the drawing board to come up with something more punchy. So, news sites that posted the story this morning had an awesome array hyperbole to choose from. Fer instance:

>>> "Five oil majors agree to give in to Venezuela"
[The Underdog Oil Execs Lose story], and...

>>> “Four oil firms cede control to Venezuela's Chávez”
[The Plucky Companies Destroyed by One Man’s Whim story], and...

>>> "Oil companies bow to Venezuela's demands for state control"
[My personal favorite: The Wimpy Execs Appease the Iron Grip of a Power-Mad Rogue State Just like the French in WWII story].

That, my friends, is how news is made!

>>> Lula has nothing but kind words for Chavez, but "anaylists" totally know they secretly hate each other.

>>> Scary-ass Kay Bailey Hutchison, who owes her career and facial structure to Exxon Mobile, opines.

>>> For anyone who was actually worried about Exxon Mobile, don’t be. Really.

>>> Tom Shannon hearts Venezuela and would never ever do anything to hurt its democracy; BoRev "analysts" totally know he’s full of crap.

>>> Peruvian government shuts down two TV stations; international press/press freedom groups refuse to give a shit [Spanish-only].

>>> Venezuela’s unemployment rate drops yet again [Spanish Only].

Randy old Randall Tobias wants you to know that he got into his job. The barely-former director of the U.S. Agency for International Development stopped patronizing a high-priced D.C. call girl service a few months back in favor of a cheaper one staffed by Central American chicks.

Tobias might want to spend some quality time with his therapist unraveling just why he thought that little revelation might help his image as he is forced into an embarrassing/hilarious high-profile resignation.

To be sure, Tobias had never been shy about screwing over the developing world. The little horndog was the first US AID director to serve concurrently as a high-level State Department official. The idea was to better ensure that AID’s lending directly served White House foreign policy goals. In the last few years alone, the agency spent upwards of $25 million in Venezuela to create fake “civil society” organizations and train political leaders to bring down Hugo Chavez’s administration.

Homeboy had the empire at his fingertips, but gave it all up for some hot Nicaraguan pegging. I kind of have a new respect for the guy.

It’s not too late to reserve your seat at this week’s Latino Coalition Small Business Economic Conference! For only $250 a ticket, you get to share the rarified air of Washington’s Four Season Hotel with such notable non-Latinos as Rudy Giuliani, White House Deputy Barry Anderson, and some VP from that quacking duck insurance company.

The topics should be super interesting and, of course, really really important to U.S. Hispanics, with agenda-topping items like fighting universal healthcare, promoting U.S. business interests abroad and, of course, a panel called “A Hugo Chavez-Controlled Latin America: the impact on the U.S.” The latter issue gets a reprise on Tuesday evening as aging botoxed V-babe Maria Conchita Alonso takes center stage to wax crazily on the need for armed struggle against Venezuela or something.

So who exactly is the Latino Coalition? It’s not like you ever see them at the immigration rallies or anything. It turns out that they prefer to work behind the scenes, putting a Latino stamp of approval on important Republican topics like privatizing social security, protecting drug companies from federal regulation, and fighting government-sponsored “free internet tax filing.” Last October they gave a proud public endorsement to the fourth horseman of the Macacalypse himself, the noose-twirling race baiting former Senator from Dixielandia, George Freaking Allen.

So come on down to Georgetown—but don’t forget your paperwork. The fun all culminates Wednesday night with a Mariachi-themed loyalty oath and a hilarious 'n spirited INS raid!

Paul “anti-corruption” Wolfowitz is negotiating the terms of his resignation even as we speak. He’s apparently holding out for a large cash transfer of 400K from third world development funds into his personal bank account. That, and a statement from the World Bank that this whole thing really wasn’t his fault. Seriously.

The question now becomes: is it too lake for “Randy” Randy Tobias to go back to U.S. AID and demand 40 hot & horny Salvadoran human trafficking victims? Dude needs to learn to bargain.

>>> Venezuela, Bolivia & Nicaragua are sick of the World Bank funneling their money to multinationals, Wolfowitz girlfriends.

>>> Apparently fucking everybody at the World Bank is living large off the third world.

>>> Hugo Chavez is even more popular today than when he won re-election last year, despite the State Department’s $25 million propaganda campaign.

>>> Fat cat foreign investors love them some BoRev.

>>> Colombian union leaders are not all dead yet. Uribe will visit his Washington ATM this week to finish the job.

Last week, a reader wrote:

Why are you always trying to be funny? There are real problems in Venezuela and in the rest of the continent, and making light of them makes me angry.

She’s right. There are enormous problems in Latin America. And I can only laugh when the media debate the “human rights abuses” posed by a blimp patrolling Caracas crime, or the “police state” when the country imposes regulations on alcohol sales during Holy Week, or fucking Simon Romero wonders if Chavez really cares about poverty because his mom owns a poodle.

This is the reality of Latin America, as told with surprising honesty in the Washington Post. Page A16, natch:

More than 200,000 people, mostly Mayan Indians, were killed or abducted in Guatemala's 1960-96 civil war. According to a U.N. report, more than 90 percent of the killings were carried out by the government. Rios Montt ruled the country during what was considered the bloodiest period of the conflict; at the time, he was supported by the Reagan administration.

We now return to our regular programming.

So Randy Randy has been pretty vague with us. We know the U.S. AID administrator recently quit the services of a D.C. madam who offered “college educated,” presumably consenting, prostitutes erotic massage specialists in favor of more direct markets. (un)Specifically, he was hounding for some “Central American gals,” perhaps those who weren’t doing it by choice.

So, for the purposes of gauging the preferences/proclivities/morality of our readership, BoRev poses the following question:

If you were the administrator of a taxpayer-supported organization seeking to stamp out developing world poverty, corruption and exploitation, which type of Central American hooker/gigolo would you do for pay?

Click below to take to poll!