When beloved oil giant ExxonMobil is not busy helping marine mammals vastly improve their competitive “viscosity” or drafting policy frameworks for freshly-liberated Arabian colonies, you’ll find its dedicated staff pioneering the frontiers of international regulatory law. And boy these days do the fruits of their efforts really show!
For instance did you know that you can get a court order freezing billions dollars of a country’s assets without ever inviting that country to defend itself in court—or even letting them know your little hearing was taking place? Well you can. The only catch is to be an Oil Company™. If you simply meet that one little criterion, all kinds of new aspects of the law are opened up to you like magic!
You’ve heard of “jurisdiction,” right? Did you know that it’s only for the little people? As an Oil Company™, you can get a court order from a country that has no relationship whatsoever with either you or the target of your extortion dispute! Damages? Sure, the poor schlub down the block may have to settle for “the relative equivalent of the value of their loss,” but an Oil Company™ is entitled to assets far, far beyond the subject of disagreement!
Take it from me, if you want something from somebody else only they won’t give it to you, don’t take the law into your own hands. Take the approach that’s been time tested, from “Teapot Dome” to “Cheney’s Energy Task Force”: Be an oil company. Life can be better.
