BoRev.Net

Hi so they said my hotel would have WiFi and it didn't. That is my excuse, and yes it is lame. Settled. Here now look at this picture from the revolution and let's move on.

Lordy, so much has happened since your editor "went rogue" in a Venezuelan seaside retreat last week that its hard to choose what to write about. Oh I know let's pick on Simon Romero, because hey what a moron, right?

As the media watchdog group FAIR pointed out, the New York Times' laziest little foreign correspondent doesn't even try to keep up appearances anymore. Last week he farted out two back-to-back stories about how by winning three-quarters of the elections last week, Chavez backers have 1) "taken a blow" and 2) "suffered a stinging defeat ." It's like an accurate reporting of events, only opposite.

FYI, we're late to this story. Al Giordano has the definitive retardo-Romero post-election breakdown, with maps and everything.

By Revolter

In light of the opposition gains in the regional elections, it's kinda hard to continue saying there is no real democracy in Venezuela. But bless their little hearts, the press is still trying to paint Chavez as a dictator. So they're going batshit because Chavez's party is going to debate an amendment to end presidential term limits. Which if proposed would still have to pass a national referendum. And Chavez would then have to win another election in 4 years to remain in power. Can't wait for more editorials commanding him not to do it because it's so not democratic.

Meanwhile, the press was largely silent as Alvaro Uribe stepped up his own attempt to change the constitution to allow for indefinite reelection - not through a national referendum like Venezuela, but through a Congressional vote. Despite the continued human rights abuses, extrajudicial killings, paramilitary ties, etc. Uribe looked a lock to getting his way. That is until the DMG/pyramid scheme scandals ruined his plans. Hilarious.

So that magic laptop? The one that was filled with thousands of Emails proving forever that Chavez was a terrorist or whatever? Well here's the funny thing: they never contained any emails at all, not a single fucking one. There were thousands of email addresses, but no electronic messages that might divulge any secret conspiracies or special relationships or even a goddamned winking sideways smileyface thingy that would "link" anybody to anything, according to the under-oath testimony of the top Colombian anti-terrorism official assigned to investigate the whole deal in the first place.

Yeah, so...this raises some questions, like--Christ where to begin?--what exactly were the "huge caches of Emails" the Colombians leaked to the Economist last March, that formed the basis for their big hyperventilating profile thingy here? And what was the "leaked Email" that Guardian reporter Rory Carroll intercepted in May, showing that the FARC might be about to secure money from the Venezuelans? And then what were the "dozens of e-mails in the rebel computers" that were shown to narcissist-retardist Miami Herald columnist Andres Oppenheimer last July? And what were the emails that Human Rights Watch said "raised serious questions about Venezuela's relationship with the Colombian guerrillas"?

There were no emails. WTF? Seriously, were there even any laptops?

Hat Tip: Otto

America's morbidly obese boy-sweetheart, Perez Hilton, has some sort of popular blog or whatever. It is filled with snotty celebrity gossip and sometimes even BREAKING NEWS, notably the groundbreaking "Castro Is Dead" story of August '07, which may even still come true someday and win this ding dong a Pulitzer.

This week Perez announced to the world the tragic news that adorable 80s-pixie (and Goonie-4-Evah!) Cyndi Lauper had canceled the Venezuela leg of her world tour. Actually, what he said was that Chavez himself had personally canceled the show because he disagreed "with Lauper's position on Prez-elect Barack Obama and gay rights." Chavez is a gay bashing McCain man, see?

Sure it all sounded super fishy, but that didn't stop mainstream gay publications like The Advocate, Boy Culture, and, naturally, the Miami Herald's Gay South Florida blog from using Perez as the source for their own coverage, even long after the original stupid fan blog that he based it on had taken the story down, on account of it being not true. So anyway this new media thing is really working out great!

Hat Tip: Democratic Underground

By Revolter
This is a little late, but maybe you were wondering why you haven't read any "Chavez Ex-wife Leads Opposition to Total Victory" headlines. After all, The AP, Fox "News", The Times of London, and many other outlets used Marisabel Rordriguez's candidacy as a symbol of the widespread discontent and "challenges" faced by Chavez in the days leading up to the elections. Why no follow up? Well it turns out that she narrowly lost her bid for mayor of a district of Barqisimieto, Venezuela's 4th largest city. She received 1.95% of the votes, because of Communist fraud, or perhaps her rampant unpopularity.

• After years of state sponsored mass murder, Alvaro Uribe may finally be taken down by this stupid pyramid scheme.

• And now the Colombian president now faces his most formidable critic ever: Juanes.

• US-backed Bolivian race-separatists are annoyed by international findings that they massacred Indigenous peasants for fun, because instead they did it for politics.

• If the Obama administration wants to improve relations with Latin America it's going to need to confront a couple of major obstacles: the U.S. State Department and the English language press.

• Hey dipwad if hating the Bush Administration makes Hugo Chavez anti-American what does that make you?

Oh look, the Editorial Page Editor of the Washington Post has his own column today! It is about Singapore, or perhaps South Korea, because they are the same country, maybe? Let's see how long this stays up before somebody notices. The point of course is that these people should never be allowed to write about foreign affairs, ever.

Simon Romero enjoys life's finer things, and lord knows if I had a New York Times expense account, I'd probably hang out at a Cusco fancy-man's restaurant too, especially if it served up fizzy drinks and costumed go-go boys. So kudos to you, Simon. No judgment.

Venezuelans don't read the Wall Street Journal much, otherwise they'd realize how miserable they're supposed to be.

First there was that "oh hey everything's great" democracy survey, and now there's this new Gallup poll that ranks them at the top of the region for satisfaction with things like employment, health care, education, housing, and that one godless Communist concept, "happiness." Can you believe these assholes?

Last summer, you may have read, Colombian President Alvaro Uribe led a "daring rescue" into his own backyard and freed a bunch of celebrity hostages from the FARC, briefly boosting his domestic popularity until some third rate Amway scam brought his administration down, somehow.

Anyway now the #1 top celebrity hostage is on a big speaking tour where she trashes Uribe for forgetting about the rest of the hostages and praises Hugo Chavez for his role in the hostage negotiations, which has got to annoy the hell out of Uribe. Of course the whole thing only serves to underscore the growing political divide between the real Ingrid Betancourt and, um, the transsexual midget Ingrid Betancourt (apologies in advance).

• Hey good news everybody! They've found a cure for that disease everybody hates, "AIDS." It was invented this week by Roberto Escobar, Pablo's brother.

• Oliver Stone is making a new movie about that one Venezuelan dude. Big guy, wears a lot of red...

• Virtually every country in the civilized world now admits that Colombia has become a brutal nightmareland for the poor and the brown.

• Oh look now we get to be dependent on Venezuelan wind energy.

• That Obama honeymoon sure ended quick--Hillary Clinton is already holding "constructive" talks with Dr. Death Squad.

Ah the drug war. Members of Congress have long had trouble saving their precious grandchildren from the joys of cocaine, so they've devised an ingenious military strategy to kill dirt farmers in faraway lands and incarcerate ¼ of black youth at home, while simultaneously managing to drive domestic drug availability up and street prices down, somehow.

But even with a perfect scheme, sometimes things can go wrong! Americans were pretty upset to learn that a "drug plane" blown up in Peru a few years ago was actually just carrying missionaries from Muskegon, Michigan, so the Bush Administration helpfully stepped in to save us from our own anger, by trying to lie about the whole thing.

Now it turns out this "shoot first, ask questions never" approach was pretty much the norm for US/ Peruvian drug relations in the 90s, according to a new CIA report out this week that "directly contradicts" our own beloved State Department. There were at least another 14 of these planes blown out of the Peruvian skies, so if your cousin never called again after his Campus Christian Quechua Conversion Crusade trip, now you know why.

So there is this actor, "Sean Penn," who currently has a popular movie out about an important gay political figure. Naturally this would make Sean Penn a friend of the gay community. But did you know that also, Sean Penn is a friend of Hugo Chavez? And that this makes Sean Penn less of a friend to the gays, somehow? Even though Chavez has no anti-gay policies? The Advocate has a very confusing commentary out this month and perhaps you can explain it to me:

• The headline refers to Chavez as an "anti-gay dictator," and goes on to talk about the gay rights situation in Cuba, (note: Cuba is a separate country.)


• The article's only subsequent reference to Venezuela mostly involves the country's (terrible) police & prison system, as described by the US State Department.


• It then concludes that Penn is "tainted" as a gay ally because of this "association."

Make sense? Not even a little bit? Well then tell it to this LA Times blog person, who reposted the whole thing, for fun. FYI once all the newspapers collapse (i.e. Tuesday) this is how all news stories are going to be "researched.," lucky us!

Comically deranged Colombian President Alvaro Uribe just released his government's brand new official stats on how many leftist guerilla fighters his military has "neutralized" in recent years, and the numbers have prompted a couple of...questions. According to the BBC:

"About 114,000 members of the warring factions were said to have been dealt with by the army in the last six years. However, other estimates say there are only 30,000 in the warring factions."

Oopsies! So wait, are they just making up ridiculously exaggerated kill numbers, maybe, to please their U.S. overlords? You sort of want the answer to be yes, but it's Colombia, so of course it's more complicated and way freakier than that:

"Also there is mounting evidence that members of the security forces have killed hundreds of unarmed civilians and presented them as members of the illegal armies shot in combat."

Oh right, "also" that. The civilized world's favorite ally basically shoots anything that moves and calls it a terrorist, which may explain the additional 84,000 deaths. "Also," the president is a serial killer.

You and Hugo Chavez may disagree once in a while, but it's comforting to know that you are both on the same page when it comes to the Iraqi shoe toss guy.

Fashioning their fancy book learning into a weapon, many dozens of enraged academics have viciously lashed out (with words!) against the quasi-governmental "Non Governmental Organization" Human Rights Watch this week on account of a very long, very poorly researched report on Venezuela it put out once. Rrrrowr! You really should read the whole letter to the HRW board of directors, but you won't, so here:

• The HRW report is a "politically motivated" piece that "does not meet even the most minimal standards of scholarship, impartiality, accuracy, or credibility." This is the first paragraph!

• HRW's allegation that political discrimination is widespread in Venezuela is based on "one allegation (as reported to the authors in a phone conversation with the nephew of the alleged victim) of discrimination involving one person," which apparently is not very academic.

• HRW bases many "facts" on things reported in the notoriously crappy opposition media. "Would a report on human rights in the United States be taken seriously if it relied so heavily on Fox News, or even worse The National Enquirer?"

• Report author Jose Miguel Vivanco accidentally told reporters he wrote it for political ends ("We did the report because we wanted to demonstrate to the world that Venezuela is not a model for anyone...") which is a no-no.

• Finally: "We do not expect a report of this nature to adhere to rigorous academic standards, but there have to be some standards."

Snap! Zing! Signed, one hundred sixteen literate ivory tower elites, with books.

Nothing says Friday like UN data tables, right? Yesterday the United Nations published its annual Human Development Index, sort of a country-by-country summary of quality of life, education and longevity of citizens (It's a 36-page PDF, knock yourselves out, nerds!)

So how'd everybody do? Well Venezuela is ranked at number 68 61 (out of 179 countries), landing on the "High Human Development" list above Brazil (70) and Ecuador (72). "Medium Human Development" countries include sad sack Bush pals Peru (79) and Colombia (80). Poor Bolivia is down the list at 111. Come on Evo! You can do eet!

• The DEA hasn't made any progress in this whole drug war dealy, so hey why not just lie about it, right?

• Colombian military kills opposition leader spouse; Uribe explains that he had it coming

• Oh great the best hope for US-Venezuelan relations is loudmouth White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen

• Haha those shoe throw jokes never get old, and the game is ridiculously satisfying too.

• Bolivia Kan Reed!

You people only think you know things about this place, "Venezuela." Some of you may read "books" about it. Others might "live there." But how many of you have a secret, invisible friend who is actually in the room with Hugo Chavez, watching him and reporting back to you? Crazy Washington Post neocon Jackson Diehl does, which makes him the greatest journalist in the world! Did you read his very bizarre editorial Friday? Here is Jackson Diehl, describing last December's referendum:

The state election authority, which is controlled by Mr. Chávez's loyalists, delayed the announcement of his defeat in last year's referendum; reliable sources say the president conceded only after he was told by military commanders that they would not put down protests against a falsified result. The official results, showing the margin of Mr. Chávez's loss, have not been released.

That second part, the weird one about Chavez not stepping down until he did, is information you can only get from a secret friend, so it must be true! Jackson Diehl's source was there in the room there with Chavez, maybe! A real live Venezuelan double agent, who communicates with the outside world only through Jackson Diehl, just like Ahmad Chalabi in Iraq, or that little Martian guy, Gazoo. Jackson Diehl is one connected motherfucker.

Ha ha, Ollie North is living out his eternal damnation before our eyes. Once a hunked-out symbol of idealistic Reagan-era evildoing, this aging Iran-Contra douche is now fated to spend his days amassing resistance movements of morbidly obese Fox News Barcaloungistas to overthrow perceived enemies of America's greatness, in their own stupid heads.

This week he's worked up over (duh) the Latins, because they held a conference "and we weren't even invited." Anyway blah blah blah "Cuban dictator Raul Castro"... "Venezuelan strongman Hugo Chavez"... "Russia"... "arms"... "America is no longer the boss"... "counter-drug-surveillance aircraft"... "Communist China"... "the craven cabal at the U.S. State Department," and, naturally, "Iranians." The End, except that he will repeat it for all eternity, with demons jabbing pitchforks at his rectum.

It's Christmas. The day we reflect on why we have to go to church when the Jewish kids get presents and a day at the movies. So unfair. Anyway here's a news movie you might check out today. It is a "retelling" of the Valerie Plame affair, with one small twist:

... the trigger is a would-be presidential assassination that, blamed on Venezuela, precipitates a U.S. attack on Caracas. After secret agent Erica Van Doren apparently leaks the information that the Venezuelan connection is bogus, journalist Rachel Armstrong scoops the world by identifying Van Doren as a spook.

• It took the CIA forty years to kill Phil Agee, but they finally did, last January, with their old age gun.

• Hugo Chavez also gives holiday pardons, only not for money, because of the Communism.

• This is the time of year when Venezuelans reflect on the greatest gift of all: boob jobs.

• The Guardian published many stories about the magic laptops when it looked like they were real, but won't publish one story explaining that they were fake.

• Not even the saddest, self-hating-est members of Bolivia's indigenous groups support the opposition anymore.

• Vote observers say Venezuela's elections are more open and transparent than ours. Why does democracy hate America?

Hey look at this terrible photo, everyone! It's a wax sculpture of the bombed out body of FARC commander Raul Reyes, covered in blood and still in his underwear, just like the night he was killed! And it's part of the creepiest wax museum since, um, every other wax museum I guess.

Ok no, seriously this one in Piedecuesta, Colombia is technically more awful than others. It features "personalities from history, politicians, artists, monsters, guerrillas, child phenomena, victims of crimes and much more." Child phenomena! Don't miss the Last Supper table, which includes more guerrilla leaders, plus Hugo Chavez, Ingrid Betancourt and, hey why not, Hitler. Sadly, the 85 year old sculptor guy has to go around looking for private financial support because the Ministry of Culture has stiffed him, for some reason. Why does Alvaro Uribe hate art?