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January 2009 Archives

January 2, 2009

Titulares & Asininity

  • 50 years, 11 US Presidents, and one fat failure of an embargo later, Fidel Castro is still here.
  • The Moonies name Alvaro Uribe Best Foreign Leader of the year, because Franco is dead.
  • Some middle aged Venezuelan opposition guy has started a new "web-log" thingy, in English, and it makes even less sense than all the other ones out there.
  • Look who's trying to rig elections in El Salvador. Hint: us.
  • Baltimore Orioles third baseman defects, to Venezuela.

January 5, 2009

Israeli Tanks Are Flattening Gaza So Hey Let's Write About Those Crazy Hollywood Socialists or Something

spicoli2.jpgRemember how two weeks ago the blogz were writing about how gay-playing Sean Penn can't be a gay hero because he recently interviewed Raul Castro, who was bad to gays 50 years ago? On Sunday the meme was borrowed by the hilariously-crappy Roger Cohen in his New York Times column. Cohen says Penn is a "poor writer," a "rambling journalist," and, naturally, one of "Lenin's 'useful idiots,'" because, you know, Lenin.

True, Castro "once dispatched gays to labor camps to correct their 'counterrevolutionary tendencies,'" whereas in free countries the USA we just locked them up in regular old prisons until the Supreme Court put an end to that practice once and for all, in 2003, roughly 24 years after gay sex was decriminalized in Cuba. So Roger Cohen's point is kind of stupid, but it's a nice reminder that idiots don't have to be particularly useful.

Alvaro Uribe To Be Awarded Presidential Medal of Failure

Under George W. Bush the nation's highest civilian "honor" is awarded each year to the worlds' most spectacular fuckups. Past honorees famously include 9/11 intelligence failure George Tenet, green zone emperor-czar Paul Bremer, and the literal loser of the entire Iraq War (not counting the Iraqis!), Gen. Tommy Franks. Tough acts to follow, right? This year, obviously, the award is going to Colombian President Alvaro Uribe, for the impressive job he's done losing the war on drugs while simultaneously massacring his own people and draining the US treasury of 16 kajillion taxpayer dollars annually, in a recession. Well played, sir.

Other "winners" this year include notable screwups Tony Blair and John Howard, two disgraced former world leaders now living in quiet, alcohol-fueled obscurity in their respective homelands due to their entanglements with the Bush Administration. Maybe this award will help! Ha ha.

January 6, 2009

Important Erection Announcement!

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Hooray! Your second favorite blog in all the internets, Inka Cola News or however you spell it, has been nominated for a prestigious "Web-Log" Award. You can vote once a day between now and January 12th, so vote 7 times, like in Chicago, and let's make this jackass a winner!

Our Long National Nightmare is Over


After three years, Citgo has suspended its home heating oil subsidy to poor families in the US, due to the fact that home heating oil now costs like 5 cents a gallon and even hobos can afford it now. So how's it playing? Lets see:

  • Citing nobody, Bloomberg says the suspension was a personal decision by Chavez because hey everything is.
  • The Wall Street Journal says this is proof that Chavez is now "hamstrung" and "feeling pain," and also now Cuba will have to accept its fate, shut its commie pie hole, and become the next Puerto Rico.
  • The New York Post wants Joe Kennedy arrested and tried for treason or something for participating in the program in the first place.

America's back, baby!

January 7, 2009

He's Lucky They Don't Kill Him

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So America's lamest comic strip, this "Mother Goose and Grimm" drivel here, made some obvious joke the other day about how everybody is always turning up dead in weird places in Colombia, and now the Colombians are all upset because it "attacks the national dignity," as if, and the coffee growers association will now file a suit against cartoonist Mike Peters that "would not seek any less than $20 million." The weirdest factoid from the article is that this Peters person won a Putlizer Prize once for his shitty cartoons. What a world we live in.

January 8, 2009

Call 1-800-JOE-4-DICKMOVE

joekennedy.jpgWow that mercurial Chavez just TOTALLY REVERSED HIMSELF on the Citgo home heating oil thing, because he's so WACKY and UNPREDICTABLE and well, uh, yeah, sometimes, but not today. The Boston Globe, the only paper who actually looked into any of this, points out that the program was never actually canceled, and the media story was just a way for Joe Kennedy to get Citgo to speed up their deliveries. Those Kennedies, such dicks. BTW today Time Magazine asks the rhetorical question "Why Can't Big Oil Match Hugo Chavez?" Fun times.

'First Draft of History' Watch

Explain to me again how the country with the most ridiculously atrocious human rights record in the hemisphere remains so popular among US politicos.

There is one thing that is very important to mention. Colombia has never before received such support from the American press. During one month there were more than 25 editorials from the mainstream media in favor of Colombia.
Oh, that's right, the American press. Thanks for the reminder, Colombian Foreign Minister Jaime Bermudez!

January 9, 2009

Meet You At the Hobo Camp, Bitches

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You might start circulating your resume southward. (Graph courtesy of Inca Kulo News).

Titulares & Asininity

  • Miami Herald columnist explains that the dumb Latins would line up behind any crazy-ass Israeli killing campaign if they weren't being, you know, "manipulated" by Hugo Chavez.
  • Colombian official promises that if Obama continues to fund their stupid war on drugs, this time it will work and not kill so many people.
  • Remember how much fun the surge was the first time? It's back! On the Mexican border.
  • Venezuela has done a really crap job fulfilling U.S. energy goals, as if it were an independent country or something.

Miami Cubans In The News

sorry.jpgRemember this Felipe Sixto person? He was that Bush aid and Center for a Free Cuba douche who hated socialism so much that he liberated the US government's anti-Castro money and spent it on cocaine or hookers or whatever? Well, he's really, really sorry about getting caught "violating his own standards of integrity," and you can read his pathos-packed mea culpa over at the right-wing Babalu blog, for laffs.

January 10, 2009

It's The End of the World As We Know It?

FREEDOM HOUSE 2008.png

By Revolter

I barely recognize the universe anymore. First Sarko, Merkel, and "Lapdog" Blair are calling for a new capitalism, which sort of looks like the old socialism. Then the almost-President notes that Bush Israeli-Palestinian policy is a disaster. And now Obama says he may actually try "diplomacy" with this Chavez guy, too.

OK, sure. Crisis may give the magic negro some leeway on the economy and the Middle East, but surely the right will keep Latin American relations crazy-as-usual, right? Maybe not. Even the retards at Freedom House realize that our embarrassing Cuba policy is over. Not only have they called for an end to travel restrictions, but their recent press release urges Obama to "reexamine the embargo."

"So what?" you (or your BoRev editor) might ask. Freedom House was already lukewarm on travel restrictions and their embargo stance is due to their board's business interests. Plus increased interaction would allow them do what they do best - spread right-wing propaganda "freedom."

Still, this is significant because Freedom House is basically made up of unreconstructed neocons. Their financial statement shows that Freedom House still receives the vast majority of its money from the Bush Administration (66%) or its crazy-con board members, which include John Negroponte's wife. And the much-ballyhooed "Map of Freedom 2008" basically lists all of Latin America as free, except for the leftists (and Colombia, because, well, duh.) Awesomely, the former British Ambassador to Uzbekistan once described how the current FH director backed off criticizing the Uzbek government after the Republicans. Apparently killing dissenters with boiling liquid and gas masks with blocked filters is more free than socialism.

Obviously, "America's oldest human rights organization" is still its creepiest. Either way, here's hoping Hopey ignores the Miami dead-enders and gives sane ideas a real shot in this hemisphere.

January 11, 2009

The Windmills of Doug Schoen's Mind

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Doug Schoen has a brand new totally historically accurate book out. It's about this one country, "Venezuela," which is a gathering, imminent and existential threat to the very survival of the United States, and if we don't get in there to kill its leaders, quick-like, the next smoking gun will be a mushroom cloud, KABOOM!

Sure it all sounds reasonable. But just who is this 21st century prophet, Doug Schoen? Readers may remember him as the sad sack pollster who failed so ridiculously at rigging Venezuelan opinion polls in the leadup to Venezuela's 2006 presidential elections that Mark Penn had to fire him in the middle of the night, just hours before voting stations opened, and fly down to Caracas to oversee the whole operation himself. This all led to chuckles in Washington, as well as tension in the firm, which soon dissolved into an orgy of "spying, double-crosses, back-biting, broken promises, and bitter legal accusations," and, eventually, dissolution.

Penn went on to spearhead Hillary Clinton's hilariously doomed campaign, until he was fired for collaborating with right wing Colombian crazies, while Schoen pretty much descended into madness, popping up once in a while to publish oddball opinion pieces about Hugo Chavez's secret plans to smash the global economy, declare himself a cult leader, and other themes of Doug Schoen's masturbatory fantasies. All this is to say that the book should be fascinating. Somebody should maybe like read it and send us a report.

Update: Oh duh. Wall Street Journal crazy lady Mary Anastasia O'Grady already reviewed the book last week. She thought it was awesome, except that it's too leftist and anti-American, the end.

January 12, 2009

Valijagate Trial Update IX: Sentencing Franklin Duran

Franklin_Duran-Conejitas.2.jpgBy Revolter

Those were the days, weren't they, Frank? Hold on to the memories - and the soap - because tonight Judge Joan Lenard will let us know how much prison time you'll get for your role in the overhyped "Suitcase Scandal." Attorney Ed Shohat is seeking a 3-year sentence, yeah right. Let's see how everyone else has made out so far.

Carlos Kauffman, who gave up all the juicy details about how Chavez invented corruption in Latin America, got only 15 months. He should be out this month due to time served and good behavior. Judge Lenard praised his four days of testimony as "truthful, complete, reliable and forthright under very difficult circumstances."

Moises Maionica, the Venezuelan lawyer who testified that he was told that Chavez personally took an interest in the case received 2 years. The judge cited Maionica's "extraordinary assistance" to prosecutors at his sentencing.

Rodolfo Wanseele Paciello, the poor schlep with no money, private attorney, or trial testimony, got 3 years - despite being the least involved in the alleged cover-up. "While his involvement was short in duration, it was important," Lenard said at his hearing. Unfortunately for Wanselee, he just didn't have enough dirt (real or otherwise) on the Venezuelan government to make him valuable to the prosecution.

"Justice," apparently, requires that Duran be punished for refusing to plead guilty in the politically charged trial. But will the judge try to send some sort of wacky message at Duran's expense? And how does all this shit compare with past 18 USC § 951, "unregistered foreign agent" cases, ones that actually involved some sort of espionage? Tons of facts plus wild speculation, after the jump!

[UPDATE: The sentencing has just been postponed until March. Yeesh. Sorry dude]

Continue reading "Valijagate Trial Update IX: Sentencing Franklin Duran" »

Titulares & Asininity

  • Every human rights group on earth is currently freaking out over that Freedom Award thingy going to Dr. Death Squad, because what a shock coming from Bush, right?
  • Why yes, the U.S. has always been aware that the Colombian military was a front for right wing paramilitary killing machines, why do you ask?
  • Freedom is on the march in Peru,, where if you are a mine owner, you are free to torture and murder troublesome protesters, and the police will come and help.
  • No matter how much you hate Venezuela, it's still going to survive this oil price drop.
  • Hey why are Russia and China meddling in Latin America when everybody knows we saw it first? Nobody respects dibs anymore.

January 13, 2009

Professors Abuse Human Rights Watch's Human Rights With "Letters" and "Questions"

littleproffesor.jpgWowzers. Human Rights Watch Exec Director Kenneth Roth may just be a little bit thin-skinned. You'll remember that before Christmas, 118 professors wrote him a letter pointing out the dozens of factual inaccuracies, bad sourcing and political biases in a recent HRW report on Venezuela. A couple weeks later, Roth came back with an official response that managed to avoid answering any actual questions, but did wrap up on this classy note:

"These new allegations echo those that the Chávez government has itself employed to divert attention from the country's human rights problems. As we document in the report, President Chávez and his supporters routinely seek to deflect criticism by accusing their critics of harboring ulterior political motives."

So there you go, questioning Human Rights Watch is sort of a human rights violation in its own right. But apparently the professors didn't take the warning to heart, because today they sent another letter, explaining that Roth never answered the questions from the first letter, which is exactly what they used to do in the Gulags, probably.

Official BoRev Presidential Medal of Failure Caption Contest™

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Aww, aren't these guys just adorable? That's Dr. Death Squad himself, "Alvaro Uribe" standing next to whatshisname there, just before he got his freedom necklace and the two dry humped on the podium. Only one more week of this Bush nonsense, so WTF, Caption Contest!

Share your hilarity either in the comments section or in my inbox, BoRevNet (at) Gmail (dot) com, and we'll announce "winners" one of these days.

January 14, 2009

Freedom Means Never Having to Use a Calculator

tellittothehand.pngOh gawd remember the "free-market," that 20th century ponzi scheme with the invisible hand and all the hungry people? Apparently there are still secret druid societies out there who continue to worship this hand-god, long after the rest of the world evolved into modern times. Each year they publish the widely ignored "Economic Freedom Index," which describes the countries that are least encumbered by pesky "taxes" and "health & safety regulations." (Congratulations, Hong Kong!).

Anyway, today's Wall Street Journal ran an Op-Ed (actual title "Freedom Is Still the Winning Formula,") extolling the virtues of this world-view. Venezuela is singled out for "losing 4.8 points" this year in their index. Which is funny because the actual report says it's a 3.8 point decline from last year. Which is funny because if you take last year's score and subtract this year score, you get a difference of 5.1. These people are so free they just make numbers up! Pagans.

P.S.: Inca Kulito reminds us that the report is co-authored by the high priestess of crazy herself, Mary Anastasia O'Grady!

A Day In the Life Of Evo Morales

hope&change.gifOk so first thing this morning Bolivia becomes the Vegas of South America, then Oliver Stone drops by to kick the old soccer ball around, and let's see what happened next...oh yeah right:

"Bolivia broke diplomatic relations with Israel on Wednesday over the Israeli incursion into Gaza, President Evo Morales announced. Morales also said his government will ask that Israeli President Shimon Peres and Prime Minister Ehud Olmert be declared war criminals."

Holy mac! What did Stone say to him?

January 15, 2009

Breaking! Venezuela Suffers Humiliating Influx of Foreign Investment

nyt.jpgDEAR GOD this Hugo Chavez person is going to ALLOW FOREIGN COMPANIES to invest in Venezuelan oil fields, which proves he is being DESTROYED by the world economix problemz! Simon Romero gets the front page New York Times scoop on this stunning turn of foreign investment weakness. Apparently Venezuela usually prefers to do business "with national oil companies from countries like Iran, China and Belarus" [or, like France or Brazil, but whatever--ed.] but now he's being forced to start a bidding process with private U.S. companies because of the low oil prices. This is all a "HUMILIATION!!" for Chavez, according to Drudge.

Anyway later in the story you find out "The bidding process was first conceived last year when oil prices were higher" because...what? Fucking Simon Romero.

January 16, 2009

Our Men In Caracas

copz.jpgLast week Venezuela's three (3) big opposition leaders and one (1) big network teevee owner went on a vacation together, to sunny Puerto Rico, where they totally didn't talk politics or meet with State Department officials, which would be illegal. The whole thing was supposed to be a well-kept secret, but it's Venezuela, so on return they were ambushed by a young community teevee reporter at the airport, asking questions about U.S. funding, and they responded by calling him terrible names and threatening to punch him out, on camera. The point is our tax dollars are being spent to finance morons.

Titulares & Asininity

  • Oliver Stone is so gay for Hugo Chavez
  • The State Department just released its dumb list of "everything" it did to in Latin America in '08.
  • It's somehow possible that Alvaro Uribe got that Freedom award for his "war" actions more than his "peace" actions, maybe.
  • Christ, why did Venezuela kneecap Aerosmith???

January 18, 2009

Official BoRev Presidential Medal of Failure Caption Contest™ Results!

Medal of Freedumb

OMG OMG OMG they're here, they're here! Results of the caption contest! Don't be sad if you didn't win, we just weren't that into you. BTW we are suckers for cheesy special affects and dick jokes, apparently. Full results, after the jump!

Continue reading "Official BoRev Presidential Medal of Failure Caption Contest™ Results!" »

January 20, 2009

HOPEing for CHANGE in El Salvador

By Revolter

El Salvador's right-wing ARENA party is desperate to retain the presidency next month. Back in In 2004, State Dep. officials Otto Reich, Roger Noriega, Congressmen Tom Tancredo, Dan Burton and other undesirables gave ARENA a big hand, warning Salvadorans that their relatives in the US would be deported en masse and remittances cut off if the left-wing FMLN won. Seriously. Their statements ran nonstop in ARENA ads and the mainstream press, leading to the election of this douchebag.

But hey, we're in a new era of hope! This time around, Bush and Co. have remained silent, and even though the Salvadoran right is going bonkers trying to convince voters that the US will punish them if the FMLN wins, that's all going to have to change in an Obama administration, right? Right?

Um, here is an ARENA campaign ad featuring top Obama Latin America advisor Dan Restrepo saying ridiculous things about Hugo Chavez and, by implication, the FMLM. And this time the foreign-funded fear campaign isn't just coming from the US, at least directly. As these ads show, the charge is being co-led by Fuerza Solidaria, an opposition group from, wait for it, Venezuela.

BTW: Here's CNN's take on El Salvador's regional elections this weekend, and to keep up with the latest on the presidential elections, this CISPES blog is the place to go.


Washington, DC

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You are the change you've been waiting for, bitches.

January 21, 2009

Ok This One's Good b/c Doug Schoen Has Given it a Lot of Thought

wheelswithinwheels.jpgStep back, people, Doug Schoen has uncovered a plot! This one is totally different than the plot he uncovered last year, with the Venezuelan scheme to collapse the global economy and all, or the plot about Hugo Chavez creating a new world religion for moniez, or the one about Chavez's awful plans to invade the United States. Ok actually this one is technically related to that last one, but now it's even scarier, because it's got Muslims. He has thought about this very hard and connected many terrible dots. Minds will be blown:

FACT! Hugo Chavez sided with the terrorists against that Gaza massacre thingy.

FACT! Venezuela owns thousands of gas stations in the US.

FACT! Iran has been sending tractor parts to Venezuela, perhaps to make bombs?!

FACT! "Since 2000, Chavez has been to Tehran seven times for extensive deal-making," (including, um, this tractor factory).

FACT! Venezuela has a large "Lebanese merchant community."

FACT! In the 90s, Hezbollah was active in Argentina, just 3,000 miles away.

Dear god I GET IT, the Lebanese merchants will travel to Argentina, by tractor, to train Persian gas station attendants to blow up America, for Palestine! It's almost too perfect.

January 22, 2009

Fox & Friends: Is Chavez More Dangerous than Osama bin Laden?

Oh look Doug Schoen was on the Fox morning program for young Einsteins recently, where he waxed autistic on such topics as rigged elections, Iranian explosives, and the #1 threat to our way of life, Hugo Chavez. Nutty good times! Especially when Schoen pretends to be Chavez, saying "Goodness Gracious! Hamas, you're welcome in Caracas any time! We have an open door policy!" Because that's exactly how Chavez talks. Also, former Miss America Gretchen Carlson has trouble reading the teleprompter and remembering what they are talking about, the end.

Dear Washington Times: Hire Me To Help Your Coverage Meet State Department Goals

pitchmemo.jpgHa ha, some dipshit reporter accidentally posted an internal memo to his Moonie editor over at Global Radio News ("the world's first 'independent freelance' news agency") and they ran it as a story, because why look at something before you post it, right?

In the typo-filled pitch letter, perennial fuckup/regular Washington Times freelancer Martin Arostegui is asking the Times to greenlight a series on how "Socialist presidents in Venezuela and Bolivia are seeking to institutionalize changes that would take their countries outside the U.S. orbit." Great Scott, not that! And all this in a region "which was until recently considered America's back yard," which could make it "one of the major foreign policy challanges of the new administraion of President Barak Obama in Washington."

I'm sure the new "administraion" is up to the "challange." Oh and if the editors don't bite, here's another suggestion:

"We could also do a piece focusing on Venezuela's approximation to Russia and Iran, involving major arms deals and links with militant Islamic groups like Hezbollah."
Great idea, Martin! That is this month's State Department talking point after all. Did you catch Fox & Friends the other day by any chance?

January 23, 2009

Department of This Thing Is Like That Thing

vlad.jpgIn Vladimir Putin's Russia, the political opposition may be hunted down and murdered in the streets, sometimes even after they have fled the country. In Hugo Chavez's Venezuela, the urban crime rate has increased in recent years. In other words, the two countries are exactly the same.

Washington Post guest contributor and "international lawyer" Robert R. Amsterdam wants to know why human rights groups aren't making this important connection (hint: because it's retarded).

Titulares & Asininity

  • To combat Marxist guerillas, the Colombian army armed and trained another group of Marxist guerillas, which somehow failed to solve the problem.
  • Autocratic strongman "Barack Obama" to eliminate term limits and become President For Life.
  • This other blogger, "Otto," can be such a little bitch sometimes.

January 25, 2009

Bolivian Savages To Drive Out God , End Civilization Forever

conquistador.jpg Well you knew this would happen when they started letting them Indians vote. Today Bolivians are poised to approve a new Constitution that would protect land rights of indigenous communities and enshrine this fancy new heretical concept, "religious freedom" in a country that has been pretty much ruled by the Vatican ever since Jesus' slave traders showed up five hundred years ago.

So how's it playing in the global press? Naturally this is all terribly "divisive" and "confrontational." These savages are drunk on equality-lust! El Duderino has the full-on media breakdown takedown.

Bolivia Gets a New Constitution 57% to 43%

7:30 AM Ok so the Economist's take pretends to understand that the Constitution addresses historic racial injustices blah blah blah, so who came up with the the terrible headline?

11:03 PM Here's the AP's novel take on it all: "The constitution's 59 percent support in some ways is a setback for Morales, who polled 67 percent support in an August recall election." Yes, we've now climbed to 59 percent, a "setback," "in some ways."

10:44 PM Lawd, Simon Romero has posted his story. Let's see, Evo Morales is not Indian enough, he's an economic idiot and many white people think this constitution is "mind-boggling" and "nonsensical, " even though it "may have the ratification of the majority." FYI Simon Romero is an asshole.

9:28 PM Oh Christ Reuters has an "analysis":

Opposition leaders will use their bargaining power to push for greater regional autonomy for the relatively wealthy eastern provinces where Morales is not popular. They will, however, likely try to keep their campaign peaceful as deadly protests last September were unsuccessful and hurt their image.

8:22 PM Blog from Bolivia reports: "the constitution was approved 75% to 25% in La Paz, while it was defeated 35% to 65% in Santa Cruz," also "urban voters approved the constitution a 52% Yes / 48% No, while rural voters backed it 82% to 18%."

7:48 PM Awww. No wonder the opposition lost. Their commercials were sort of charmingly awful. I like the parts where they can't find any actual "NO" signs so they zoom in on storefronts with an "n" and and "o" in their names. So clever. (Hat tip: Duderino)

7:35 PM This is how The Daily Telegraph describes Bolivia's divide:

The roots of the conflict have been growing ever since Mr Morales an Aymara Indian who herded llamas as a boy, became the country's first indigenous president in 2005 and set about upending an order inherited from Spanish colonial times and subsequent military regimes.
The Indian president started the racism by getting elected and disrupting the "order." And:
The opposition, led by state governors in the country's more prosperous east, fear that Mr Morales' march towards a socialist state is taking their nation into the orbit of Venezuela's fervently anti-US president, Hugo Chavez, and further away from economic efficiency.
Apparently they are quite passionate about this "economic efficiency."

7:00 PM All day long the opposition has been crying "fraud," because hey that's what you do.

6:45 PM With 90% of precincts reporting, exit polls have Bolivia's new constitution passing with a decisive 56.8%, huzzah.

January 26, 2009

The Last Straw

evolutioncycle.jpgLet's see, wealth redistribution, nationalizations, Indigenous rights, anti-poverty programs and now "evolution"???

Ok now Venezuela is just trying to antagonize the Republicans.


Alek Boyd's Flame War with Noam Chomsky

ChomskyBoyd.jpgI, um...wow. How did we miss this? One of the great tragedies of Venezuela blogging these days is that opposition blogger/ square-jawed sociopath, Aleksander Boyd, is barely in the game anymore. But whenever he crawls out of his spider hole with one of his infrequent screeds, homeboy brings his motherfucking game.

Behold, this Pinteresque exchange between Boyd and "MIT staff" Noam Chomsky (!), from earlier this month. It's jaw-dropping. Boyd doesn't flinch after Chomsky begins his third reply with: "I'm sorry that you do not understand how petitions work," and it's all downhill from there. Confidence, this kid's got, and at the end of it he thinks he's won. Nutty, nutty, nutty good times here.

January 27, 2009

Comparative Governments: A USA Today Primer

dictadurs.jpgYou know how Latin American dictators used to take power through violent military takeovers that subverted the popular democratic will? Nowadays it's exactly the same, but with a few tiny differences. Fortunately America's #1 newspaper, for illiterates, is here to point out the subtle distinctions:

One major difference is that today's Latin American autocrats "are generally civilians instead of soldiers, and they take office via elections instead of coups." Also, they're "staying in office because they are so popular." People vote for them because "the region has enjoyed an almost unprecedented run of economic growth and declining poverty."

Makes sense so far. But wait--isn't this the description of a democracy? Nope, and here's why: "almost all of them, including Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez, are vocal opponents of Washington on drug policy, energy and other U.S. interests in the region. " Oh, right, duh. Strongmen! Thanks USA Today. Maybe next week you can explain asymmetrical federalism, with charts.

Colombia, Afghanistan Bailout Global Financial System

cocaine-money.jpgBy Revolter

The top guy at the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime (UNODC) let slip in some Austrian paper that drug money is basically the only thing keeping us all from the bread lines. The Vienna-based UN agency has discovered evidence that, "interbank loans were funded by money that originated from drug trade and other illegal activities," and that there were "signs that some banks were rescued in that way." According to the UN, illegal narcotics generate $400-$500 billion a year, making dope the biggest global commodity after oil and weapons. So next time you get a chance, make sure to thank your pothead friends, the CIA and Alvaro Uribe for the fact that you still have a job.

January 28, 2009

Benicio del Toro Excoriated By Funny Korean Cult

deltoroandmoonies.jpgHey librul Hollywood weirdos, you're through! The Moonies have finally driven a knife through your big gay commie hearts. Even the white hot heat of a thousand Marley & Me's couldn't bring you back from the humiliation you've just suffered. Here's how it went down:

First, they invited puffy-eyed Hollywood boricua Benicio del Toro in for an interview. Then, instead of asking about his new movie, "Che," they badger him with questions about Latin American leftists. So when Benicio is all like, "let's talk about the movie," they're all "no, why don't you marry Fidel Castro, pinko" and he gets annoyed and walks out, and now they've got a huge exposé on hot tempered Hollywood communists. Done! You're through, bitches!

Obviously this was the most exciting thing that's happened to the Washington Times since, well, this, so beyond the front page story placement, you've also got a little video interview with the reporter giddily recounting his big day, which you can download and masturbate to for years to come.

The Path To WAR!

missvenezuela.jpgWell this certainly isn't change we can believe in. Defense Secretary Robert Gates pretty much just implied that Venezuelan women weren't as hot (or easy?) as their Miami counterparts:

Gates shrugged off Russian naval tours in places like Venezuela. He said that if Russia hadn't raised alarms by invading Georgia last year, he would have invited Russian ships to dock in Miami as well. He said the Russian sailors would have had more fun there than in Caracas.
Dear God what has Robert Gates unleashed?

Titulares & Asininity

  • Racist Bolivian shitbag assassins banned from Facebook. But not before Otto downloaded a hilarious photo of their douchey DC-area ringleader!
  • Colombia's former president thinks the scandal about the government killing all the poor people "is the sword of Damocles for [Uribe's] policy of democratic security" because, what?
  • Rafael Correa's massive popularity, perfect glutes, intimidate potential comers.

January 29, 2009

Dear El Salvador, This Is How You Must Vote. Signed, Some Powerless Schlub

roger_noriega.jpgHooboy, you know this "Roger Noriega" person? He was the Jesse Helms staffer selected by that one terrible president we had once, what was his name, "V" or something? Anyway the nitwit president with the initial picked him to oversee all of Latin America, which we then proceeded to "lose," double time, through a series of embarrassing coups attempts and bad drug deals or whatever.

Nowadays Roger's got a column in the Miami Herald, natch, where he gets to tell the dumb Latins what they're supposed to think about their own countries. Hey El Salvador, you're up! Let's see...

  • Everything had been going swimmingly in your country ever since Ronald Regan "shored up Salvadoran democracy" back in the 80s,with death squads, but now all that may be threatened, by elections.
  • Forget about your gaping economic disparities and the highest crime rate in the hemisphere, you've been declared "economically free"! By the Heritage Foundation!
  • Don't blame all of your problems on "the party that has run the country since the war." Consider blaming Hugo Chavez instead.
  • Look at the right wing candidates--they're young! They're hip! There is no reason they should be so ridiculously far behind in the polls.
  • If you do end up voting for the socialist candidate, we will declare it as a major victory against socialism, somehow.

On the upside, 5 years ago Roger would have been running his column in San Salvador, not Miami, under a headline like, "Nice little Remittances You've Got There," so we're making progress.

Department of Corrections

From today's Wall Street Journal:

Venezuela and Ecuador are separated by Colombia.
You can say that again. Thanks, boys!

From The Inbox

twitterchavez.jpg

Holy Mac. Seriously people, if this guy can manage to "follow us on the Twitter," surely you can master the technology. This is your big chance to sign up for our whaddayacall'em...twits? Twats? Anyway, here.

January 30, 2009

Hugo Chavez Will Destroy America By Giving Us Free Crap, Or By Not Giving Us Free Crap

citgofenway.jpgGod bless the Associated Press, whose hard working journalists are turning up two sides to every story. So balanced! Take today's piece on the Citgo home heating assistance to the broke, shivering gringos.

First: "The American heating oil program has been viewed as a jab at Chavez's nemesis, former President George W. Bush, by helping needy Americans in their own country."

And then: "Chavez may have new political reasons for keeping it -- improving strained U.S. relations under President Barack Obama."

See how this works? On the one hand, the program is some nefarious anti-American jab, and on the other, getting rid of the program would be a cruel blow to America. Two sides! That Chavez, he's always like three steps ahead of us.

Funny Headline Watch

lithiumheadline.pngAt last! The existence of this valuable yet highly toxic light metal will finally put an end to Bolivia's tragic history of exploitation by multinational corporations more concerned with profits than the welfare of the people!

Somebody at McClatchy was in a mood today.

January 31, 2009

Hanging Tough

hangintherealvro.gifSometimes I really feel for the reporters who cover Latin America. For example, it must be tricky to explain to your readers how terrible it is for Venezuela end presidential term limits, but totally ok for our BFF in Colombia, the guy who's already changed his constitution once for his second term, and is kicking around the idea of doing it again.

So they must have been psyched the other day when Uribe's hometown newspaper reported that Uribe maybe wouldn't go for a third term. Wicket unstuck, they were very pleased to pass on this news! Of course, the original story (here, in Spanish) only said Uribe wouldn't run again if his ruling coalition could come up with a "unity candidate" which they can't, which is the whole stupid point, right? So today in Berlin, Uribe was asked point blank to set the record straight:

"It is not my interest to continue as president," Uribe told reporters in Berlin after holding talks with German Chancellor Angela Merkel on Saturday. But he did not unequivocally rule it out.
So there you go. You are one coy motherfucker, Dr. Deathsquad.

About January 2009

This page contains all entries posted to BoRev.Net in January 2009. They are listed from oldest to newest.

December 2008 is the previous archive.

February 2009 is the next archive.

Many more can be found on the main index page or by looking through the archives.

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