Breaking: Evo Foils Crypto-Imperialist Clock Scheme at US Embassy!
An international plot, intercepted emails, and the full reaction from Caracas: the Democracy Center's got the scoop.
An international plot, intercepted emails, and the full reaction from Caracas: the Democracy Center's got the scoop.
It's Cherry Blossom time here in Washington, which means an influx of roughly 30 gazillion tourists from around the world who don't know how to stand to the left in the metro escalators. So aggravating. Could be worse, though. At least it's not Caracas, where the foreigns come in and just won't leave, because they're there for "revolution," which can take a while!
Anyway 90s-era 'online magazine' Slate recently commissioned some freelancer to go down and make fun of these international hippies. Fun story, right? Only he meets them and they seem kind of nice so he's not too mean when he writes about them. Then the editor (Fareed Zakaria maybe? Let's just say Fareed) slaps on a snotty header and subhead and pretends the article went in a different direction. I mean what difference does it make? Nobody reads Slate.
Meet Rudy! He's a "Cuban Gynecologist and American Auto Salesman". Happy F*@ing Friday.
Oh BTW don't miss the "making of" video.
Friends, do you ever seek shelter in Michelle Malkin's corner of the internet? It is a haven for real Americans like you and me to contemplate topical issues such as the racism of black people (and mulattos), and how the poor welfare Mexican aliens brought down the global financial system, with acorns.
Yesterday the discussion turned to Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, and the way he racistly blamed the economic crisis on the people who caused it. And how President O
sbama said something polite to Lula at a presidents meeting recently, which 100% proves that the United States is run by a racist half-breed Manchurian street thug Marxist.
Nobody connects the dots like these thinkers, so let's take a look at their most important insights, after the jump (PS no illegals please. This is America).
Well this explains a few thousand things: Until three weeks ago, Scott Wilson was the Washington Post's foreign editor, so for the past two and a half years, homeboy's been the end-of-the-line decision maker for all the Post's international news coverage.
Today, though, he's got his very own Sunday-edition opinion piece, so we get to learn a little bit about where he is coming from (Beyond Thunderdome, in case you were wondering). Wilson takes this opportunity to advise President Obama on solving Afghanistan's many problems...by duplicating the "success" of Colombia. According to Wilson, we got many, many things right in that country, particularly the part where we militarized the shit out of everything and never wavered when things went bad:
"The Bush Administration kept the money flowing to Colombia's army despite evidence of its complicity of paramilitary massacres."So firm, our resolve! I mean hey they're just people. Here's why I think this is an awesome idea: First! Afghanistan has been a blood-soaked nightmareland for so long we probably aren't going to make things measurably worse, right? And Second! If Colombia is actually going to be used as a guide post, we'll soon see the street price of heroin dive so far that even the 8.5% of Americans without jobs can easily afford it. We'll make it through this depression yet!
Update: Dear god Isacson just has this guy for lunch.
The Inter-American Dialogue. You know it as Washington's premier blah blah tank for upper middle class Latin American conventional wisdom. A banal quote farm for lazy reporters who prefer their regional analysis from balding white dudes. So it's sort of comforting to know that OAS Secretary General Jose Miguel Insulza would like nothing more than to hit the reset button on these futzy old farts:
The Secretary General insisted that his "biggest hope" is that "a new Inter-American dialogue is opened."Daaaaamn! His "biggest hope," even. Whatchu got, Hakim?
He's the Venezuelan boy-superstar conductor hottie currently touring the United States. She's the 70s rocker lady recently banned from Las Vegas for her unnatural love of Michael Moore. Last week, Linda Ronstadt was in front of Congress, testifying on behalf of socialized music, from Venezuela! Rock and Roll is the gateway to Communism.
Today Nick Buxton unpacks the creepy relationship between Democratic leaders and disgraced Bolivian terror warlord (and distinguished Inter-American Dialogue board member "emeritus"!) Gonzalo Sánchez de Lozada. Basically this asshole will never be extradited and tried for his terrible murder crimes pretty much exclusively because influential pollster Stan Greenberg (pictured) worked on his campaign once and has a reputation to protect. Democracy!
Oh jeez exactly what is going on in Venezuelan oppositionland? It was weird enough last weekend when Caracas Chronicles launched a tirade explaining that (duh) Venezuela is not a dictatorship, driving his always good-for-a-laff commenters nuts. But then a reader sends us this story from a couple weeks ago (sorry, Spanish only), in which oppo-in-chief Teodoro Petkoff just cold went off on an a Miami audience, explaining that you don't get to call yourself a Venezuelan "exile" just because you don't like your president so you moved to Florida, for the shopping.
So what's with the sudden explosion of veracity? Perhaps Chavez's super secret spy network, miraculously more efficient and organized than any other aspect of Venezuelan society, is actively tracking down dissenters around the globe and attacking them, with sodium pentathol? Just a guess here.
After many long years, Miami-based celebrity terrorist Luis Posada Carriles has finally been indicted by a federal grand jury! Only haw haw get this, he's not actually charged with planting bombs or blowing up airplanes or plotting his crazy-ass murder sprees. No, basically he's accused of lying to an immigration court when he said he hadn't done any of this terror crap. Twenty bucks says the Miami Cubans are still going to freak.
Well well. It appears that the Post has released the "top 40" winners in it's annual Peeps diorama contest a day early, and our little submission, ahem, didn't make the cut. Seriously, check out some of the inferior entries (we're talking 'bout you, Peeponcé) and try to explain to us again about that "firewall" between the news section and the editorial board. This. Means. War. You can express your outrage here.
"Hola" Miami Cubans! You can "increase your flow" or whatever to your despised homeland now. Here is your official proclamation, both in English and um
Spanish English again.
Also In The News: "the State Department released a report on Friday that details Cuban efforts to weaken the morale of U.S. diplomats on the island by poisoning their family pets." Ha ha, fucking State Department.
Meet Edwin Valero, current undefeated World Boxing Council lightweight champ and unrepentant Venezuelan. Yes, that would be the flag of the Bolivarian Republic right there on his grill, plus the face of whatshisname, their president. Here's hoping your man-boobs stay rock hard forever, Edwin!
And kids, it's never too early to get started with an exciting career in the tattoo removal arts.
Holy crap! Paraguayan President Fernando Lugo has just admitted to being the father of an adorable little (hypoallergenic?) toddler named Guillermo. Only this is Latin America so that ain't the half of it. Turns out that Lugo and his lady friend have been lovers since she was a teenager and he was...a Catholic bishop:
Carrillo said that she first met Lugo when she was studying in preparation for the sacrament of Confirmation in her church, and that their personal relationship began one night shortly thereafter.Ew. Surely this will hurt his career in some way? Not so much! As one local journalist put it, "'People are more lax in their attitudes here. It shouldn't hurt his personal image much.'"
Also! There are apparently some advantages to having a church-affiliated love child. Just ask the baby's cousin:
He confirmed that Guillermo once fell from the third floor of a building and survived without a scratch. "He is the son of a bishop, no doubt," Mr. Acosta said. "It was a miracle."Haha. Fernando Lugo is a witch.
Let's see, according to this li'l polling roundup from Inca Kulito, Chavez and Uribe both enjoy the support of roughly 2/3rds of their respective populace, Cristina Kirchner is pretty much despised, El Salvador forgot who their president is, and "Lula is Yoda," the end. Click to imbigginate.
Over the weekend, Caracas' largest daily newspaper published an editorial calling the Interior Minister, a gentleman of Lebanese descent, an "Arab fundamentalist," a terrorist, and, hey why not, a Nazi, because he criticized the local Catholic leadership for being douchey. That Hitler, so critical!
Also, there are references to "bombs" and um, "the Arab lobby," not to mention the main accusation, that Tareck El Aissami is "not even a fervent Catholic." Here it is, in Spanish, in case you were concerned about those precious press freedoms or whatever.
Jackson Diehl and the Washington Post editorial board are super upset today because Barack Obama and governments across Latin American are simply not as worked up about Venezuela as they are supposed to be. As usual the world is wrong and Diehl is right and we should immediately initiate massive blockade embargo sanctions against Hugo Chavez, on account of he won a referendum that
ended term limits "will allow him to remain president indefinitely."
Also, guess who is the most terrible player in all this? Human Rights Watch, because they've supposedly "taken no notice of the developments in Venezuela" (wait, what?), which is funny because the last time Diehl was upset with Human Rights Watch it was for paying too much attention to another country, Colombia, and its president's ties to right wing death squads.
The moral: Government-sponsored thrill kill cults are one thing, but ending term limits, with a vote, is a human rights crisis. Fortunately Colombia understands this important distinction. Or, um, not.
Update 1: Wait, it wasn't three Hungarians, it was "a Bolivian with a Hungarian and a Colombian."
Update 2: Wait, Evo is saying "They are foreign mercenaries -- they are Irish, Hungarians and of course there are no Bolivians." Of course. Also: "the plotters sought to divert attention of authorities with an attack on Wednesday at the residence of Bolivia's Cardinal Julio Terrazas."
Update 3: "The plot involved Irish and Croatian nationals as well as Bolivians, Vice President Alvaro Garcia Linera said at a separate news conference in La Paz." Seriously WTF?
Update 4: Holy wow, Otto may have just tracked down douchey pictures of the Irish guy, on Bebo, natch.
Update 5: Haha, the BBC report subhead just reads "Foreigners Killed," and then "There were conflicting reports about the nationalities of those killed," (no shit!) "with some reports saying they were from Hungary while others said they were from Romania and Ireland." Romania?
Update 6: Ok! Ok! The New York Times clears it up: "A Romanian, an Irishman and a Bolivian, were killed after they opened fire on commandos who tried to enter their hotel room. A Hungarian and a Bolivian were also taken into custody in connection to the shootout." But it's Simon Romero so who the fuck knows.
Update 7: No! No! According to the Financial Times, "a Bolivian, a Hungarian and a Romanian" are dead, and the "Irish man and a Croat [are] in custody."
Update 8: You're not the only ones confused, BTW. The Irish are now sending officials to Santa Cruz to figure out whether the Irish guy was killed or just arrested.
Update 9: Yeesh. El Mundo's got the nasty bloody death pic of the Irishman on its cover.
Look out, Venezuela! Hilarious law nut Larry Klayman has launched a class-action lawsuit against Hugo Chavez, for, um, "assault, supporting terrorism, crimes against humanity, violations of civil and human rights and torture of members of the class Klayman is representing."
Larry Klayman! Remember this guy? He's the founder of Judicial Watch, the organization that harassed the Clinton Administration with 18 increasingly bizarre lawsuits in the 90s. Then in 2003 he was fired for an "inappropriate relationship with a Judicial Watch staffer," and promptly sued Judicial Watch. It's been pretty much downhill from there.
In recent years he's been reduced to zoning lawsuits in Florida and, of course, suing his own mother for expenses incurred taking care of grandma. But this could be Larry's big year! In addition to the Venezuela suit, he's also launched an investigation into "partying in the White House since the Obamas moved in." Obviously, we're all pulling for you, Larry! Super-double hat tip to Bina, for digging up most of this.
How adorable. Captions anyone? Blingees? Seriously send me a Blingee of this and I'll post it after the jump, promise. Know what else we got after the jump? Evo!
Yesterday, the once-banned Uruguayan political science classic The Open Veins of Latin America was listed at #54,295 at the Amazon.Com. Right now it's at #2, beating out the latest novel in the sexed-up-teen-vampire Twighlight series, for cryingoutloud. Hugo Chavez intends to destroy the American publishing industry with his inexplicably influential gift-giving. Why can't he just give iPods like a normal president?
Seriously: push this to #1, people, mush!
Well, sure you fags are probably very happy with what Obama has been saying to the Latins all week, but how's it playing among Real Americans? They are not at all pleased the way that this black man, Barry Hussein, has sold our great nation out to our Communist enemies, such as the racist dictator from Brazil.
It's your lucky day because we've got a roundup of thoughtful commentary from True American Patriots at Michelle Malkin's site and the Free Republic, after the jump.
Will Evo Morales become Time Magazine's Person of the Year? Well duh, no, but you can give him the most "popularity votes" so they'll look stupid when they go with "computers" again or whatever. Right now our beloved cocalero is ranked at number 9, sandwiching him in between Angela Merkel and (oh christ) Lil' Wayne!
The top vote-getter so far is Malaysian opposition politician Ibrahim Anwar. MALAYSIA'S DISCOVERED THE INTERNETS, EVERYBODY! We're all screwed. Vote 4 Evo!
Oh...my. Apparently Colombian President Alvaro Uribe had trouble getting face time with Obama down in Trinidad this week, so he just cold slipped him a note explaining his country's latest P.R. strategy. Do yourself a favor and click on the picture to see this retarded little diagram up close.
Seriously can you understand why he and Bush had such a special relationship? This is a fucking little hand-written pyramid with cryptic phrases like "Confidence" and "Social Cohesion" scrawled on it. And he is totally serious, too. We saw him make the exact same presentation at the National Press Club last year, in PowerPoint, and it made about as much sense then, too.
I don't even know what the best part is here: the fact that Uribe felt compelled to write "Colombia" in the left hand corner, in case Obama forgot, or that Barack just went ahead and autographed the stupid thing and handed it right back to him. This is the greatest piece of paper we have ever seen, ever.
Did you know that Hugo Chavez is a dictator? That he "beats up opponents"? No? Well what else don't you know about your hero, hippies? Well also that he has GAY SODOMY, maybe, behind closed doors...with Barack Obama!! Thank God for Fox News or these important truths would never be exposed!
So a bunch of British MPs (European for Membres d'Parlimente) went on a fact finding mission to Colombia last week, and holy crap they found some facts alright. From their official statement:
"We have no doubts, given the evidence received, that the Colombian government of Álvaro Uribe and the security forces are accomplices in human rights abuses."Whoa... And!
"We are also convinced that the murderous activities of the paramilitaries are approved of and actively supported by the government and the army."The politicians are still in a "state of shock" from all stories they heard from relatives of the disappeared, and refer to Freedom's Greatest Ally, President Alvaro Uribe, as an "accomplice of crimes against humanity," seriously. Somebody's going to have to draw one hell of a diagram to get out of this one!
Oh noes, Pixar announces that their latest animated classic is not only set in, but inspired by, Venezuela. The Communists are coming for your children, with balloons!
Have you heard about Chavez and Obama and this highly controversial Hand Shaking? Yes? Many thousands of times now?? Haha good, because here is that old story again, with "new angles."
Let's see here... Fox News called it a "Boyz in da hood" handshake, because it involved black people...famous actor person Sean Penn calls the critics "bitter" and "impotent," because, um, it's funny...famous 1960s person Tom Hayden takes down an Obama advisor, because he is a shady advisor...famous Iran-Contra douche Otto Reich grumbles and farts his way through an interview with a hilarious cartoon man... and this Christian Science Monitor newspaper wants you all to chill the fuck out, the end!
Thanks again to correspondent "CC" for the lovely image above. We'd mock America by shaking your hand, any day!
So it turns out it's not just one out-of-wedlock baby that Paraguayan President Fernando Lugo has had to deal with in the past week, it's more like three...oops...nine, maybe? Anyway it's a gooddamed football team, and now the whole thing has inspired this fabulous hit song, the chorus of which translates to "Lugo has a good heart, but he didn't use condoms," which is awesome. Here you go, kids: rock out with your cock out (responsibly/with rubbers).
Hat Tip: Otto
Oh that Hugo Chavez, he's always going around eliminating illiteracy or selling heating oil at reduced prices for poor people just to maintain his grip on power, through being popular.
His latest scheme involves an island in our beloved, toxic state of New Jersey. For some reason Petty Island has belonged to Citgo for many years, but beginning in 2004 they've funded a large-scale environmental cleanup of the island, and yesterday this onetime oily-ass Jersey cesspool was donated back to the state as a wildlife refuge for "a plethora of shorebirds including a nesting pair of bald eagles." Bald Eagles!
Naturally, New Jersey Governor Jim Corzine was thrilled to accept the nice present, but cancelled the press conference at the last minute because he was afraid it would make him look "socialist" (Also, because he is a dick). Then the local Sierra Club guy made a funny joke:
"Even the event for getting an island for free turned petty."Haha, b/c it's called "Petty Island." Very funny Earth Day joke there, Jeff Tittel!
International Latin heartthrob Rafael Correa is lookin' good, as always. According to early exit polling from today's vote, "56 percent of voters cast ballots for Correa. His closest rival Lucio Gutierrez had 29 percent support."
Update 7:04 p.m.: Yup, Raf has just become "the first president elected without a runoff in traditionally unstable Ecuador in 30 years."
So the Irish government is demanding that an international investigation be conducted to find out exactly why three would-be presidential assassins ended up dead in a Bolivian hotel room a couple weeks back.
Really, Ireland? A full fledged investigation? People, this is really not so complicated. We're talking about your run of the mill neo-Nazi Croat-sympathizing paramilitary force, financed by rich white Bolivian farmers, Shell Oil and (naturally, duh) the Masons. The operation was to be carried out by a Romanian sniper, a Croatian soldier of fortune, a Hungarian computer expert and a sweet Irish dreamer. Oh and today the Guardian has this to say about the ringleader, Rozsa Flores:
He was part of the notorious "Zenga" unit of the Croatian militia, which is blamed for ethnic cleansing in former Yugoslavia in 1991. Since then, he had continued to recruit and organise right-wing extremists. His antisemitism is believed to have led him to convert to Islam, despite being homosexual.So yeah this was all headed up by world's only Gay Muslim Nazi. There, done, investigated. Now if you don't mind, Ireland, please stop wasting everybody's time and HELP US FIND THE GODDAMNED NINJA.
Update: As commenter "iv" points out, Simon Romero has finally coverered the story in classic form: a week late and from two countries over. His primary theme? The Bolivian government is probably lying when they say the mercenaries were trying to kill government officials, when all the wanted was to split off into their own, whites only nation. Why are the Indians standing in the way of progress?
Oh mighty IMF, we really thought you were dead for a minute there. But then the global economy imploded and somebody was like hey let's just give all the world's treasure to the assholes who really know a thing or two about economic collapse, because it's just money right?
Soo... the IMF is back, baby! On steroids! And they're still wrong about everything and still using their economic "forecasts" to push lame political agendas blah blah blah. Then today some think tank had the awesome idea... to challenge them to a bet!
"The forecast for Venezuela is the least believable of all. If anyone at the IMF wants to put some money on this, I am happy to put up $10,000 on the bet that Venezuela will have an increase in real GDP over the next six years"Gee I don't know. The IMF's not really a betting kind of institution, unless (haha!) you're talking about other people's lives or whatever. TAKE THE BET!
Underneath Bolivia's otherworldly Salar de Uyuni lies the world's largest lithium reserves. They're comparing it to Saudi Arabia, which is a nice way of saying "Iraq." Countdown to Operation Andean Freedom begins now.
So the hippie overlords of the tiny island-nation, "Great Britain," have decided they no longer want to spend their tax dollars killing teenage campesinos in order to artificially Alvaro Uribe's counterterrorism numbers (go figure!) so yesterday, "quietly," they just cold cut off all bilateral military aid to Colombia, zing!
The Washington Post editorial board is writing about Venezuela again today, but DON'T WORRY they still don't like this Hugo Chavez, not one bit, just like in the last 600 editorials. It never gets boring, this one opinion!
This week they are very concerned that opposition politicians have been investigated for corruption, in particular this one fella Manuel Rosales, who actively fled the country rather than explain what he was doing with all that extra cash money. Not so concerning, apparently, is the fate of former Caracas mayor Juan Barreto, also under investigation for suspicious money acquisition. Barreto, a noted Chavez ally and corrupt douchebag, doesn't get a single sympathetic mention, perhaps because it would just confuse the main point, which is that these investigations are a totally one-sided "crackdown on domestic opposition." Consistency is difficult sometimes!
You know what might make a fun Washington Post editorial one day, too? One about what happens to opposition candidates in next-door neighbor country (and model democracy) Colombia, like where in regional elections 18 short months ago, 30 candidates were just fucking stone cold murdered in the street. That would be a good editorial b/c it would be fun to find out why they deserved it or how this was "trending well" for Uribe or whatever.