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Those Wacky Ex-Pats Archives

January 12, 2007

Can't Wait for the Lou Dobbs Special on This Dude

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It was a Minuteman bedtime story come true: A swarthy mass murdering terrorist snuck on to ‘merican soil to destroy our way of life. The cold-blooded bomb-making Mexican-talking illegal alien foreigner thumbed his nose at our lax border security, our heritage and our values by holding a mocking press conference, in Spanish, daring our brave men at the Department of Homeland Security to find him. Eventually, they did, but because of our left wing ACLU-card holding America-hating liberal court system, run in no small part by feminist gay-marrying activist judges, he was quickly released, allowed to walk among us as a free man, cleverly disguised as teevee's "Matlock." He was probably even living across the street from your innocent blonde 5 year-old daughter. Until today.

Luis Posada Carriles has been nabbed, and he ain’t getting away so easy this time. He’s been charged with “lying.” And if there’s one thing Americans can’t stand, it’s a liar.

Among the things we apparently can stand:

· Blowing up an airplane filled with Olympic athletes, killing all 73 onboard (He won’t be charged with any of that).

· Violating international law and ignoring our treaties with another country by refusing to extradite (It’s Venezuela, so it sort of doesn’t really count).

· Shamelessly pretending to give a crap about the rights of an alleged terrorist in order to violate our extradition agreement (See Padilla, Jose).

· Announcing to the world on September freaking eleventh that he was about to become a free man (We wish we'd just made that part up, but nope).

But today, America has come to its collective senses. We can forgive mass murder, but there is never an excuse for being an illegal.


January 24, 2007

Pro-Terrorist Rally Shockingly Ends In Violence

A part of me pities the crazy wing of the Miami Cubans. I mean, they’re getting far too old to reproduce, and their youth recruitment efforts have resulted in disastrous standoffs with the FBI. And nobody would want to live with the bitter resentment that, like, eats away at their very souls day by day.

But then they go and do stupid things. Like holding rallies in support of one of the worst terrorists Latin America has ever produced, and I start to think that their campy militancy is a bit dangerous. And then they try and beat the crap [video] out of sensible people who think that maybe terrorists should be on trial or in jail or, at the very least, living out their fantasies of a U.S. controlled Cuba down in sunny Guantanamo Bay and. . .well, the pity reserves only go so deep.

January 25, 2007

The Huddled Masses at the Duty Free

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Bring out the National Guard. Venezuelan refugees are pouring into Miami at record rates. That’s right, while we were all preoccupied with building giant walls and keeping dirty sheik paws off our ports, we totally forgot to look up in the skies. The Venezuelans are coming. In style. Their airborne flotillas include complimentary beverage service.

But wait…how do we know there are more Venezuelans coming in today than 10 or twenty years ago? Simple: “More than 2000 Venezuelans received U.S. asylum in 2004 and 2005.” By contrast, in the year before Chavez was elected, “only nine Venezuelans received asylum in the United States.” Yes, I know that it sounds like it’s got more to do with an asylum policy that favors wealthy entrepreneurs over say, Somali sex slaves, but it was written up in the Miami Herald so it’s totally true and not government propaganda or anything.

If you’re still not convinced, just listen to their tales of persecution:

One corporate executive was mugged on the street. Her husband is certain that her assailants “were pro-Chavez.”

Another is freaked by the thousands of new public schools being built that might one day be “infused” with “socialist ideology.”

But perhaps the all-too common tale of repression is summed up best by this Miami attorney:


“Before, many of our Venezuelan clients did not want to ask for asylum because they were convinced the opposition would defeat Chávez,'' Allen said. ``The fact he won will begin the stampede to leave.''

You see? Their side lost in the last election. They have to get out. I can imagine the sympathetic conversations in the line at Homeland Security:

Applicant A: Hey election-loser, congratulations! You totally deserve asylum status.

Applicant B:
Thanks, forced-clitorectomy lady! Sorry about your case. Have a nice flight home.

Applicant C: What’s a “flight”?

Applicant D: What’s an “election”?

February 4, 2007

I’m At W-KRAZY in Miami

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Because the press in Miami is just too balanced, Venezuelan and Cuban ex-pats have teamed up in a radio scheme to further polarize, oops, “unify,” their community. This should make for some hee-larious listening. But one paragraph gives us pause:

Venezuelan exiles say they want to use talk radio much in the same way Cuban-Americans have for decades. Many also hope the U.S. government eventually will finance a Radio Marti-style station for their country.

Um…a couple of things here:

>> “Exile” is a real word with an actual definition, and it doesn’t mean “one who dislikes his president,” or “someone who moves to her vacation home for the shopping opportunities.”

>> Radio. Freaking. Marti. To beam anti-Chavez propaganda to the Venezuelans who voted for him. Sounds like a good use of your tax dollars. Of course it might face some competition, like from the dozens of anti-Chavez radio stations that already fill the Venezuelan airwaves.

What other crazy-ass schemes will they come up with? I just pray they broadcast online so we can listen in.

February 22, 2007

Even Manuel Rosales Won’t Meet with The Crazies in Miami

Manuel Rosales is on U.S. soil. Last year’s darling of the Venezuelan opposition (and the U.S. media) is here to accept a democracy award from the American Association of Political Consultants. In a nice move, they are honoring the former presidential candidate for conceding quickly and refusing to spiral his country into chaos and instability. In a stupid move, they are holding their little ceremony in Miami, where the local Venezuelan community had been counting on him to spiral their country into chaos and instability.

They are “offended.” They feel “betrayed.” They say they’ve been “sold out.” They’ve been talking so much smack about Rosales that he’s refusing to meet with them.

Oh, that’ll calm them down. Let’s hope he’s wearing Kevlar.

March 17, 2007

Wanna See Some Propaganda?

Fox News. Florida. A perfect storm of crazy.

Watch this video. This is an actual news broadcast.

Note that they don’t tell you that the “organization” just trying to help Venezuelans in the US is the premier opposition political party in Venezuela. This is one for the books.

April 8, 2007

Batty v. Bonkers: Deep Rifts in Little Havana

In case you thought that the Miami Cuban community was monolithic-ly wacky, the South Florida Sun Sentinel reports today on a major opinion split over the case of Luis Posada Carriles, Latin America’s most notorious terrorist.

One side (the “funny crazy” camp) is pleased over this week’s US court decision allowing Posada, who blows up airplanes, to be released on bail. Another faction (the “scary crazy” camp) won’t be satisfied until he receives a full pardon from the U.S. government. No word yet on the “Marisleysis crazy” cabal, who are no doubt stockpiling weapons to force his beatification and the immediate issuance of a Nobel Peace Prize.

You can’t fault the federal courts for their comic/macabre sense of inappropriate timing, though. This week’s decision came as Cubans were commemorating the 10th anniversary of Posada’s bombing of Havana tourist hotels, which is only slightly less retarded than the last decision to free him from a Texas prison, which came on the 5th anniversary of September 11th. Sigh.

BoRev Bonus: Wikipedia brings us this fun fact: By 1974, "the CIA had begun to believe that Posada was involved in cocaine trafficking, but did not break formal ties until February 13, 1976. The agency also believed that Posada was involved in a plot to assassinate Henry Kissinger, who at that time was advocating a more cooperative approach to Cuba-United States relations."

April 9, 2007

Breaking News: Not All Floridians Crazy and/or Cuban

As the South Florida Sun Sentinel reports, black people in Florida tend to have sensible views on Venezuela, which is probably why Jeb and Kitty don’t let them vote.

August 20, 2007

My Name is Thor. Please Kick My Ass.

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Ahhh, the New York Times. Protector of the downtrodden. Champion of the little guy. For years, I’ve been longing for a “day in the life” piece of a typical Venezuelan, and today, finally, they come through. The profile manages to capture the essence of life, the triumph of the human spirit, the noble ordinariness in the life of your average Venezuelan boy.

His name is “Thor.”

His is a heartwarming immigrant story. Our protagonist’s grandfather leaves everything behind for a new life, traveling to Venezuela as “the Norwegian king’s consul,” scrimping and saving for the day that his sons, Thor’s uncle and beloved papi, could date Candice Bergen and seduce the ladies with “his pet lion, Petunia,” respectively. And then fly to Paris on the weekends to fuck French chicks.

Still after all that adversity, our hero manages to make it to the States, where he can live out his dream: a film studio that produces documentaries about the evils of Communism, Women’s Studies classes, and ultimately, “the world’s first anti-environmentalist documentary.”

“What ‘Sideways’ did for pinot noir,” says young Thor, “I want to do for freedom.”

September 3, 2007

Not Just in Miami Anymore

Writing for the Guardian Online, Calvin Tucker serves up the psychos in the UK’s Venezuelan expat community and their inevitable links to the right wingers in government.

October 10, 2007

Maria Conchita’s Brother Manages to Be More Repulsive than Maria Conchita

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Maria’s Conchita Alonso is more than just an middle-aged Cubo-Venezuelan former starlet with a fondness for bad plastic surgery and (eek) graphic exhibitionism: she’s also the sister of a real live terrorist! Alt-weekly Miami New Times printed an odd, fawning interview with Robert Alonso today, and while it’s mercifully crotch-shot free, it’s sure to make you gag in other ways.

You see, Robert Alonso is just a sweet old romantic who likes daisies and Englebert Humperdink. And this whole having to run away from the law thing is really taking a toll on his poor old wife. And besides, the terrorism was totally everybody else’s responsibility:

“Robert dubs the plan that caused him to flee his homeland La Guarimba, and says it's nonviolent. But the last time he made his pitch for revolt — in 2004 — at least 13 people were killed and more than 100 were wounded in clashes. "If you don't follow the instructions, it's not my fault...”
Oh, and “he's working with others to form cells in Nicaragua and Cuba.” So what does his kinda almost famous sister think about all this?

“Oh please,” she says. “Terrorists are people who don't care about anybody.”

February 27, 2008

Democracy-Loving Students to Commemorate Violent Overthrow of Democracy

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Hey remember those Venezuelan student movements? Those darling mop-headed urchins who represent the country’s greatest, whitest hope eh-vah and will usher in a new political era free from the baggage of the retarded grown-up opposition movements of the past because they believe in the democracy and the voting and all that? Well they’re having a march! An “Anti-Chavez” march! All over the world! On the same day! And it’s on: April 11th! Hey wait…

[Uh, kids—a little free advice from your Uncle BoRev: I don’t know what they taught you back in Serbia, but here in the Americas there is such a thing as “really bad symbolism.” And if you’re trying to represent yourself as a democratic movement, then you probably don’t want to stage your little march on the sixth anniversary of the day that those very same retarded grown up opposition leaders you’re trying to distance yourself from actually kidnapped your democratically-elected president, dissolved your constitution (along with your judicial and legislative branches), and installed evil skeleton man Pedro Carmona as dictator. Just my $.02 ‘k, bye.]

Anyway, it’s probably too late for them to reschedule now because they’ve got their adorable videos about it all over YouTube, which we can all watch and laugh at along with after the jump.

Continue reading "Democracy-Loving Students to Commemorate Violent Overthrow of Democracy" »

April 13, 2008

Massive Global Anti-Chavez Marches Hobbled By Apathy, Windows MovieMaker

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Did you go to any of the "Worldwide Day of No" anti-Chavez marches this weekend? Was it tough getting around town with all the road closures? Did your local news carry wall-to-wall coverage of those cute little democracy huggers calling for another coup d’etat? No? Hmm. That’s maybe because, tragically, the “global convocation” rallied about “50 opposition sympathizers” in Caracas and, um, significantly fewer people in Bogotá, Mexico City and Miami, despite the awesome power of Facebook and some crappy video making software.

September 3, 2008

Luis Posada Carriles Is a Misunderstood Sad Clown, Trapped in Satan's 'Political Circus'

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Once the southeastern United States' unrivaled standard bearer of whackjobbery, the fabled "Miami Cubans" have officially passed the crazy torch on to their Venezuelan immigrant neighbors. Today's South Florida Sun Sentinel story begins:

"The governments of Cuba and Venezuela see him as a ruthless assassin. But to many Venezuelans living in Broward County, Luis Posada Carriles is just a man trapped in a political circus."
Awww, see? he's just a misunderstood li'l monster--like the phantom of the opera! Only while the phantom never committed any actual "crimes" (Andrew Lloyd Weber-related activities notwithstanding), Posada has a few under his belt, including:
>>> Assassination attempts against heads of state,

>>> A series of hotel bombings in Havana that left one Italian tourist dead and 11 injured and

>>> The bombing of a passenger airline over Venezuela that killed all 76 people on board.

So of course he's now being tried for "immigration fraud" in Florida and the nutty ex-pat Venezuelans are rallying to his nutty defense, because they are all nuts, the end.

October 8, 2008

Venezuelans in Delaware Hate Socialism, Love Handouts

Watch out America. Venezuelan immigrants are on the march, to Delaware! Literally tens of hot-blooded housewives have found their way to the "Pretty Loose" State in recent years, prompting a funny profile in yesterday's Wilmington News Journal. Marvel as the botoxed biddies reminisce about the "divine" old days in Caracas when their friends would "go grocery shopping in Miami -- for the weekend."

Sadly, those days are gone now that this Hugo Chavez fellow has "created divisions among the classes," through schemes like "raising literacy rates and the standard of living for people." There is, naturally, one Venezuelan policy that they support: "Chávez's program of providing heating oil," to Delaware. Hey, the winters get cold up there.

October 24, 2008

An Open Letter to Sean Penn: 'Get Off My Lawn, Whippersnapper!'

abe_simpson.gifAnyone who is, uh, privileged? enough to visit Washington and attend anything remotely Latin America-related has probably run into this grumpy old Gustavo Coronel person. He's the self-described "Senior Venezuelan" in the audience interrupting presentations & hijacking the mic during the Q&A. Sort of an annoying but harmless right-wing grandpa figure, and you can like stretch your legs or go pee while he yammers on.

Anyway today he's written a letter! To Sean Penn! And it's terrific! He starts off on just the right note, something about not having gone to movies since they put the talking into them, and ends with "We do not like you in Venezuela. Stay in your own country and do not bring your political poisons to our country." Ha ha, Get Off My Lawn! But really, as with all of these sorts of websites, most of the entertainment is in the comments section. Happy Friday!

November 2, 2008

Oh And Speaking Of Maria Conchita...

conchitaface.jpgShe has made her official, three-zillion word presidential endorsement! I know you're dying of curiosity, so here you go: John McCain. Why? Because Maria Conchita has actually already seen "Mr. O" become president before, once in Cuba and once in Venezuela. Apparently he's so obsessed with her that he follows her around the world getting himself elected so that she can no longer get roles in Hollywood, or something. To be honest I sort of just skimmed after the part where she misspells "the United States." Anyway, here's to you, crazy lady!

March 20, 2009

Venezuelans Divided Over Lightning-Rod Sport

magglioordonez.jpgHey look Venezuela is in the semifinals for the world baseball thingy! Earlier this week NPR ran an important story about the crushing divide in Venezuelan society. On the one hand there are the baseball players, who tend to come from modest backgrounds and generally support Hugo Chavez, and then there are the fancy Venezuelans who like to fly to Miami to watch baseball games and drink exotic cocktails like "$8 Miller Lights." They don't much care for this Chavez character.

So now you've got the situation where Venezuelans will fly to another country to watch their team, and then boo their own players when they get there, or loudly cheer when they strike out. Anyway there's a metaphor for the overall opposition strategy in there somewhere. Why are you so divisive, Baseball?

About Those Wacky Ex-Pats

This page contains an archive of all entries posted to BoRev.Net in the Those Wacky Ex-Pats category. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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